Issue 14

Steven VanDeLaarschot
Undergraduate/World Politics

Something that we hear of constantly is that gay people have an agenda. I figure it’s high time that I set the record straight and define my own agenda because, being both gay and into politics, I naturally have one.

The first and most important aspect of my agenda is equality. It is something that this nation believes in and has believed in for two centuries. There have been quite a few issues that have shown that theory and practice are not the same, from slavery to women being barred from voting. While those issues have been remedied, there is still one gaping flaw when it comes to the practice of equality and that is the second-class status that we gays have. In only a handful of states could I get married to another man and that marriage would not be respected in the majority of the other states. Obviously equality is a very important issue for someone who is not equal and this naturally inclines me to supporting those who believe in equality for all. It is very confusing to me why any gay people would support the Republican Party when most Republicans work to prevent equal rights for gays and lesbians.

During one of his inaugural speeches, Richard Nixon said “We cannot learn from one another until we stop shouting at one another.” That seems like particularly timely advice when considering the endless partisanship we see in politics today. Republicans often seem to be in lockstep when just about any vote comes up, Democrats a little less so, but the problem is there for both parties. If we could have a genuine dialogue where both sides acknowledge that both sides are trying to help the American people, we might be able to get more done and have less venomous politics.

I will admit to liking the idea of Democrats winning often, but think about what has occurred with a mix of Republican and Democratic leaders in office. When Nixon was president the EPA was created and there was a Democratic Congress at the time this was done. When Bill Clinton was president the budget was balanced and we even had a surplus for a short while, Congress was controlled by Republicans at the time. We need to be willing to sit down and talk to each other and listen to each other’s ideas even if we may disagree with them.

What else shall I include in my agenda? Progress and moving forward. That is something I love about Wisconsin, our motto simply is “Forward.” Do you know what progress looks like? A five day workweek, maternity leave, no child labor, women voting, legalization of sodomy (because what we do in bed should not be the government’s business), cell phones, computers, student government. We honestly cannot predict what new inventions will be created in the future and all that, but we should keep moving forward. If we don’t keep moving forward we will get left behind.

Think of it this way: America has huge competitors economically from China and India to Russia and Brazil and everyone else in between. We cannot rely on manufacturing and industry to power our economy alone because labor is much cheaper in China and India and they have many, many more people to do it. They don’t even care about good working conditions, see Apple factories in China where they install nets to catch people as they jump off of buildings to commit suicide because their working conditions are so terrible. Instead of improving their working conditions, they just make it harder for workers to commit suicide.

Our economy can do better than that if we rely on innovation and new technologies. If we focus on green technologies and develop new things in that direction we can grow the economy without having any serious competitors. Our answer to our economic troubles should not be to rebuild an old industrial model, but to lead the way into new models and new technologies. If we don’t lead the way, who will? We need to put more emphasis on research and development to create the amazing new thing of the future.

We also need to remain open to new ideas. There is incredible potential for what humans can do. Scientists in Siberia have bred foxes that are as tame as dogs and can make just as good pets. We have found a way to get ourselves into space and to the moon and look at the most distant galaxies. We cannot move forward if we restrict ourselves to outdated traditions. Clinging to philosophies that say we cannot do X, Y, and Z do not help us if that is all they focus on. The Taliban are an example of this with their fundamentalist beliefs and it did not help the people of Afghanistan.

What else? None of this seems all that controversial right now, I think, although I’m probably a little biased when I say equality is a good thing. In all fairness I will admit that just a few short decades ago I would have been classified as having a mental disorder for being gay, so I like the idea of moving past the idea of being handicapped to a perfectly capable member of society who should be treated just like everyone else. I also like the idea of being treated as if I’m not choosing to be a minority. To flip the argument of choice on its head, I bet all you straight people chose to like the opposite sex. You all chose to be in the majority. Right? I bet its true since we all know gay people like me chose to be a minority, so the natural corollary to that point would be that everyone else chose to be straight.

I also like the idea of respecting women. Women should be paid equally and if they want an abortion, it’s their choice. The thing about choice is what I’ve supported all along. If a woman wants to have an abortion for just about any reason, I think she should be able to get one. Men like me shouldn’t be getting in the way of that. I’ll never know what it’s like to carry a child and give birth and all that, nor do I want to. Pro-choice says it all and I’m not making the choice, I just think women should be allowed to and aside from that it isn’t my business.

This reminds me of the pro-life argument. I disagree with it, but I’d like to provide some food for thought. To be truly consistent with the term pro-life, I feel like one would have to be supportive of good and affordable health care for everyone. Socialized medicine and all that because if you’re pro-life you would want people to live as long and healthy lives as possible. One would also be supportive of good public education that is affordable for everyone. This would help people lead better lives with better jobs, better pay, and more intelligent choices. To be really pro-life, one should be supportive of a person’s health from cradle to grave and not just in the womb. One would also be against the death penalty and for gun control because the former is killing people and the latter gives people easier ways to kill people.

Then there is the pro-family argument. That term as it is used is a lie. Anti-gay is both honest and truthful. If one were really pro-family they would be supportive of all kinds of families regardless of gender and sexual orientation and all that. I want a family, just one composed of me and my husband (whenever I might find one). I don’t need kids, but gay couples should be able to have kids if they want. Pro-family should be about supporting loving families, it shouldn’t be this catchphrase for discrimination against a vulnerable minority.

What else? Education and infrastructure. Not very sexy issues, but very important. We need the best possible education system we can get to prepare future generations for the world. That means supporting teachers and public education, while of course not discriminating against private education (and by keeping Madison in the UW System). We also need good roads and airports and internet and phone lines and all that. It allows for easier movement of goods and ideas. Plus I’m sure none of us like the idea of bridges collapsing while we’re on them.

I am a Student Senator and I try to make UW-Eau Claire a better place for its students in whatever small ways I can. I am a gay man and therefore also a second-class citizen, so I would like to be equal and accepted. I’m not out to corrupt the youth of America or seduce straight men, I just want equality.

Dustin Hahn
Undergraduate/Creative Writing

Bailey had gotten a phone call earlier the next evening from her mother. She missed the call while she was showering for her date with Issac later that night when it came through. Wrapping her hair up in a towel, she called the voicemail number, expecting it to be one of her girlfriends or Issac to double check plans for later. Instead, it was from her mother, insisting that Bailey call her as soon as she got the message. Her heart hopped into her throat while she listened and hung up, her fingers trembling as she dialed her mother’s number. She really didn’t know what her mother was going to say, but it wasn’t what she expected as the phone slipped from her hand and she collapsed to the floor.

It took awhile for her to calm down, but soon she was in her car and driving to the hospital. Her mother didn’t know much, just that Issac was in some sort of accident. How her mother had heard, she didn’t hear, just that Issac’s mother knew she should come. The one thing that Bailey did hear, for sure, was her mother saying, “It isn’t looking good.”

She walked into the hallway outside his room. It was cold and smelled harshly of chemicals as she saw hers and Issac’s mothers, as well as Issac’s father. His parents had taken to Bailey, seeing her as family already, and it showed as they hugged her when she came close. His mother’s eyes were puffy from crying, and her lip quivered as she said, “I knew you should be here hun.”

“Wh…what happened?” Bailey finally said, not truly wanting to know the answer.

“The police said it was a hit and run,” she explained, “a drunk driver hopped the curb as he was walking home.” She stopped then, wondering how much to say. Tears were in Bailey’s eyes, but she prompted Issac’s mother to tell her everything. “He was thrown back against a tree. Between that and the car, he had,” she held back a cry then, her husband resting his hand strongly on her shoulder. A moment later, she continued. “He was conscious as the ambulance came, and stayed that way as he got here… they did surgery… but…” Her sob caught in her throat and Bailey nodded.

“It’s still not looking good then,” she finished, the tears still streaming down her face.

“He slipped into a coma,” Issac’s father said, staying strong in the face of everything. He chuckled slightly then, making his wife smile too, knowing what he was going to say. “The EMT’s said he had glowsticks when they picked him up. Apparently the accident cracked one of them and it was the one thing he was focused on as they treated him, even when they got to the hospital.”

“He was telling it not to die,” Issac’s mother cut in, “that you hate it when it goes out, and he didn’t want it to die.” Bailey fell to the floor, a new wave of piercing sorrow flowing through her. Issac’s mother lowered herself to the floor, hugging the girl, as her own mother came over to hug her as well.

It was a few minutes before she softly said, “Can I see him?” The doctors had said that so long as they didn’t move him, they could see him. He was still in a critical position, with his internal injuries barely contained and the loss of blood at a dangerous level. Basically, he was far from being okay.

She stepped into the room. A nurse was sitting in the corner, a cross stitch on her lap, doing it by the light of a single lamp. She looked up when Bailey entered, a soft smile on her lips. The two said hello to each other, softly and politely. That was when Bailey looked and saw him lying there, tubes from machines helping him recover. The nurse stood up as Bailey started shaking, her eyes still spilling an unlimited number of tears, and wrapped an arm around Bailey. There were orange spots on his face; residue from one of the glowsticks that had broken open and splashed onto his face and clothing. There was a broken and dead glowstick lying on the floor, a small pool of chemicals underneath it. Bailey stepped over to it and picked it up. “He wouldn’t let us touch that,” the nurse said as Bailey looked deep into the plastic case.

Her hand fell to her side, the chemicals still in the glowstick slowly slipping out. She looked to Issac then, stroking his hair gently as the nurse tried to get her not to touch him. She pocketed the broken glowstick and then pulled an unbroken blue one from her pocket and placed it in his still hand. She kissed him, warm to her lips, and whispered, “The light never dies Issac… there will always be another to bring us together.” She brought out another stick, and cracked it, saying, “And until this light dies… I will always love you.” She kissed him again, lingering a moment longer. The nurse began to say something, but she turned away and left the room.

Her mother hugged her when she came back out to the hall. Over the next week, Bailey barely left the hospital. Issac had a number of surgeries and his status continued to change, getting better one day, but turning for the worse the next. She couldn’t take it and at one point had fallen asleep in Issac’s hospital room, her pure exhaustion finally taking over. It was 2:37 in the morning when a small pop woke her up, confusion passing through her brain. A blue light passed through the room, just adding to the confusion. “Hey.” She heard his voice, weak, but it was his, and everything made sense. She jumped up and ran to the bed. Issac smiled at her weakly, glancing at the glowstick in his hand. “Thanks,” he said.

“For what?” she said, tears falling down her face, but happy ones this time. She took his hand, holding the glowstick between their hands.

“For never letting the light go out.” He smiled, squeezing her hand gently, and then turning his head to the side. His breathing evened as he fell back asleep, resting peacefully now. She squeezed his hand one more time before stepping away and out into the hallway, going to the nurses’ station and informing them he had woken up, for a moment. The nurse hugged her and she hugged the woman back, but quickly stepped away.

“You’re leaving hun?” the woman asked, a slight concern.

Bailey nodded. “He’ll be ok,” she said softly with a smile, “I can feel it, and I need to go and do something.” The nurse nodded and then left to tell the doctors and call Issac’s parents, who had gone home for the first day since the accident.

Bailey drove home slowly, her techno playing softly in the background. When she stepped inside, her mother met her in the kitchen, a look of worry on her face. Bailey hugged her tightly and whispered, “He woke up.” Her mother hugged her tightly for a moment, but Bailey pushed her away. “I need to do something”

She went to her room and grabbed the box of glowsticks Issac had given her. Despite how many she had used, there were still many, many left. She ran, out the door and across the fields, stumbling as she spilled salt to the earth, the box tightly to her chest. Exhausted, she clutched the ground, gasping for breath as she set the box in front of her. Only now did she slow down, her hands dipping into the sticks in the box. She pulled two out, cracking them, an orange and a purple. The light flooded her face and hands and she smiled.

Bailey set them aside and reached for two more, then four more, cracking handful after handful, the field lighting up in a rainbow pattern of beauty. She threw them in every direction until she got to the last two sticks, the stunning light around her easily bright enough to read fine print by. The last two, she slipped onto the pair of strings she kept in her pocket. Tying them on, she cracked them, her smile glued onto her lips as she twirled and dance with them. She felt free and looked around. She could almost see Isaac standing there next to her and knew that soon enough, she wouldn’t have to imagine it. He was going to be okay, she just knew it. “They will never die, Issac,” she whispered softly into spring air. A warm wind blew past, moving the hair from her face as her comets soared all around, entwining together, and glowing forever.

Nicholas Warren
Undergraduate/Biochemistry & Moleccular Biology

Over Easter weekend Wikileaks started publishing their latest trove of documents from the US government. This batch reveals the extent to which our government directly and indirectly participated in torture and detaining innocent people at the illegal prison in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. It is a shame that I have to bring attention to this issue in this manner instead of our media covering this horrific story. The main stream media thinks President Obama’s birth status, the Royal Wedding and Charlie Sheen are all more important than proof of our government’s flagrant violations of basic human rights and the United States Constitution. If our media was more like Al Jazeera or the majority of the European news sources, I would feel that the general public would have a satisfactory understanding about the organization Wikileaks and what it has done for democracy.

Instead of discussing the revelations that the information Wikileaks provides, I largely see the main stream media and our government arguing whether we should actually know it or just flat out giving death threats to Julian Assange (yes, the creepy albino guy). Right after Wikileaks published the Iraq War Dairies, Congress issued an investigation into Wikileaks almost immediately, but they took far longer to start an investigation into the murders of thousands of civilians.1 Furthermore, the government prohibited workers for the departments of State, Defense and a few others were BANNED from READING news articles about the war dairies.1 I would like somebody to tell me how the constitution allows our government to ban people from reading a certain item.

The main reason that the government gives for their hatred of these releases is that the information is classified. First off, there are around 300,000 people with security clearances of “secret” and “classified” (the classifications of the majority of the files released).1 The number of people able to access the information is enormous anyway. Secondly, many of the documents that Wikileaks has released are from a number of years ago and contain little information that could be harmful to the United States. The Diplomatic Cable release is the best example of this. The diplomatic cables have not caused any harm to anything, however, they have caused a few governments major embarrassments.1 These embarrassments led the people in the Middle East to think differently of their leaders and rise against them.

Even in regard to the War Dairies, the Associated Press received an internal memo from the Pentagon stating that no intervals were placed in peril.2 Wikileaks strives to keep their sources and subjects safe. They cooperate with media organizations to remove personal information about innocent people. Wikileaks even tried to have the US government help them with this, but the Pentagon refused.1 The Pentagon’s refusal shows that they actually do not think that harm will come from this publication or they are too stubborn to think that the publication will actually go through…freedom of press is a great thing to have. Thomas Jefferson once said, “I’d rather have newspapers and no government than government and no newspapers.”3 The founding father considered the press the fourth branch of government. If we did not have free press, then the voters are not informed and thus can not truly and freely elect a government of the people.

Now that we have proof of crimes committed by our government with our tax dollars, the people responsible need to be brought to justice. However, the war criminals in our government should be given all of the rights that they have deprived of the poor people sitting in Guantanamo Bay, just because they wore a Cassio watch on the streets of Afghanistan.4 Our country was founded on the principle of law. Nobody is above the law and nobody should have their rights taken away. Yes the government does need to have some secrecy in order to keep us safe, however, injustices and misuse of our tax dollars should be reported. The Executive Branch of our government has become enormously powerful and needs to be brought in check by the remaining two branches. If those fail, then the people must create change, like the Tunisians, Egyptians and so many other people living in tyrannical societies.

I am sure you are curious about all of the information I have just touched on. To see in-depth coverage of the Guantanamo Files go to www.guardian.co.uk. I also strongly encourage you to actually watch/read and interview with Julian Assange himself, he is a very good speaker and writer and it is apparent that he is not out to hurt the American people. Several interviews can be viewed at www.democracyow.org. I love this country and the people in it; that is why I want to make it better.

Blind man Painting

Owen Benkowski
Undergraduate/Biology

The voice I imagine cursing this broken utensil I’m using

to scratch out these lies in my head makes me smile a little.

Then I forget how to think; I’m at the beginning

and all at once my thoughts come back but only for a blink

before the wave of happy insanity takes over again and I wake up on a couch.

The room I’m in has no corners and I can turn it into any shape you’d like;

We let a blind man paint the walls until they couldn’t hold more paint.

Empty except for a beating heart displaying a true show of endurance, time will bring this good thing to an end.

 

Robert E. Lee

Liz Babler
Undergraduate/Spanish

This is how the south was not won:
if you ponder on mr. lee, in general,
you can certainly say that he was a granted failure,
and not a big fan of james joyce.

To love something you have to let it die:
this, oh this, old bobby lee excelled at.
that battle was doing its death rattle
as he charged up on his horse.
pennsylvania soil was free but not free enough:
the price must’ve been unlisted
(inquire inside).

Well, you really have to give him credit:
ulysses always was a dense book,
and it hit him right in the heart,
so hard he coughed up a goal for the other team.

Even football was different back then,
with mr.’s grant and lee playing opposite.
mr. grant’s foot in mr. lee’s balls:
sorry, ref, said mr. grant,
guess i’m a slave to my instincts.
and he clapped mr. lee on the shoulder--
better luck next time, bob-o,
remember:
the cause is only lost if you can’t find it.

 

Split-Level Heart

Amber Reed
Undergraduate/Creative Writing

Stuck, completely trapped
like a fly caught in Amber.
No the irony

won’t be lost on me.

There’s a steel cage on my voice box
stopping the words,
blocking my thoughts,
squeaking it’s best not
to be heard.

It tastes like bile,
when I sit and try
to choke back the truth.
And the only thing I’m smelling
is the fear, and that’s proof

that the hardest things in life
are most likely what’s right.
But how do you win
when it’s just you in the fight?

The sting in your eyes stops you
from seeing what’s clear,
don’t wanna stop to listen
afraid of what you might hear.
Afraid of what you’ll say to yourself,
cuz the nicest thing you got
is you’re going to Hell,
and that you ain’t worth a shot

in the dark. And it’s midnight,
in the garden of evil,

where the bile-tasting truth
has been flowing like wine,
dripping from your lips
and exposing the lies.

I’m splitting in two;
I’m going my separate ways.
I want two different things,
and it just hasn’t paid

to sit alone on this fence,
hoping and wishing to gain
enough common sense
to open my mouth
and just let it all out.

The Bear inside us all
growls to be unleashed,
ready to feast
on what we started
but were too afraid to finish.

I don’t know how to end this,
don’t know how to make
it work.
I’ll keep hiding under
this bur-

qa of guilt
and pretend that I feel safe
in this glass prison I built.

 

Falling Asleep

Owen Benkowski
Undergraduate/Biology

And here it is; time.

The only indication that something is actually happening.

Laying, waiting to fall asleep; reality shifts to a new level like an elevator.

When it comes to a sudden stop and the doors ding, reality slips back subtly

yet it feels like an electrocution.

Eyes forced open only for a blink, because there’s a dream waiting.

Down the elevator is the only way; accelerating downward,

the elevator disappears. There’s no more air. No more gravity than in an unimportant situation.

As the abyss fades into a new scene, suddenly the wait is over for the dream.

 

Doors

Katie Johnson
Undergraduate/Psychology & Women’s Studies

No one door is identical to another. Each has something unique that separates it from all others. Maybe it’s the color, the size, the shape, the doorknob, or the noise it makes when opened.
We don’t get to choose the doorway we go through, they’re all pre-assigned.
Each has its own path and a different ending.

We can all sit back and be complacent with the path along the way or we can work and create a new path, a more interesting path, a better path.
Through our journeys we become equipped with all the necessary tools; we just need to use them.

So here’s the choice:
Do we take the path pre-cut because it’s easier or
do we utilize the tools that life has given us to be the change in our own paths, to merge with others’, and all end up with a better final destination?

I’ve always been a bit of a rebel at heart and I’m not one to leave a challenge untouched.
I know what I’m choosing.
What about you?

 

The E.N.D.

Matt Novacek
Undergraduate/History

when given the choice
you’ve chosen wrong
you came up short
and fell so far

the pain, the shame, the hate, the guilt
look back at the wrong and lies you built
you failed and lost when the game was done
you thought you were alone, you thought you were one

the end is something we want to pretend
E is for every lie you built
N is for never knowing the truth in life
D is for death which is inevitable for you and i

but when given a chance
to right your wrong
you’ve passed
and accomplished so much

the joy, the care, the laughs, the smiles
look forward to the road that’s left, all those miles
now you succeed and throw your hands in the air
you smile and know what’s right and what’s fair

the end is something that we can bend
E is for everlasting life
N is for now you accept the power of grace
D is for determining your own path and how your life plays out

 

Some Black Memoirs

Charles Liedl
Undergraduate/Undeclared

Despicable talents
shade all of what´s
created

A turn blow from being complete
Til the show is stripped
to broken shadow

For once on stage in stone-
A parody grown from
some black memoirs

Uneven in its build, quilted
face and burning crown

As the tome feels a shield
and the laughter brings a frown

 

Lolwat?

Drew Briski
Undergraduate/Geography

End of semester got you down?
Don’t worry, it’s got me too
I don’t even know you

But you probably don’t care
Who even reads this stuff?
Well there was that one guy, who got upset at poets,

The other who called out Christians,
Nick Warren for sure reads this
What I’m really trying to say is
I don’t have much to say

I’m wasting my time writing this
Or am I

Because if anyone knows what’s fun
It’s me.

David Steinfeld
Undergraduate/Psychology

I was with The Flip Side my entire 4 years of college and must say it was one of the most rewarding experiences I have had. Over the years that I have been at UWEC I have found out that diversity is a broad concept comprised of numerous ideas that all make up a bigger inclusive idea. I have seen my fair share of articles that stimulated my thinking and helped me expand my outlook on life. Therefore, I stand firmly behind the idea of a forum that gives voice to several other ideas, even if they are the most offensive ones that we disagree with based on what we stand for, because that’s what the First Amendment should look like.

Consequently, I want to thank Andrew Werthman, Brian Vanderkamp and Jeremy Gragert for contributing such a beautiful outlet to UWEC where students can give voice to their opinions, ideas, short stories, poetry, articles and so forth. Moreover, I want to thank Andy Boden and Sara Adams for their fervor and hard work when the survival of The Flip Side was at stake. I also want to thank all the staff members, past and present, and all the writers for their work and contributions in making this alternative student press great; I love you all and appreciate what you have done. And lastly, I want to thank everyone who read my articles and gave me an opportunity to articulate my ideas, beliefs and opinions. With that I am leaving The Flip Side and want to end it with some song lyrics from one of the greatest German punk bands:

“Darum sagen wir auf Wiedersehen. Die Zeit mit Euch war wunderschön. Es ist wohl besser jetzt zu gehen, wir wollen keine Tränen sehen. Schönen Gruss und Auf Wiedersehen…” (Die Toten Hosen, “Schönen Gruss und Auf Wiedersehen”).

Michael Seaholm
Undergraduate/Computer Science

Since this week’s article will be about lying, I figured that it would be best to delve right into the topic with very little introduction owing to space constraints. Of course, I could be lying about that just to be ironic, but it is equally possible that I played it straight knowing that you would think that I was lying about lying. Now that we have the Abbott and Costello bullshit out of the way, let us explore the art of a lie.

It may come as some surprise to you that everybody you have ever known has lied to you approximately 100% of the time. The reason for this is quite simple: we are human beings, and we each have our agendas. If your mother told you that the stork brought you into this world, it’s because she wanted to keep information regarding the salaciously taboo subject of sexual reproduction under wraps until you were old enough to handle the information maturely, at around age 43. If you tell your dentist that you’ve been flossing regularly, it’s because you don’t want to seem totally indifferent about your dental health, and probably also to avoid getting stabbed in the gums repeatedly (hint: it doesn’t work). And of course, if I make an outrageous statement like at the beginning of this paragraph, it is with the implicit understanding that you will laugh at it, thus becoming the helping hand in what is essentially celebratory literary masturbation – not that that’s a bad thing, I assure you. At any rate, whether good or bad, lies are told for an underlying reason which can vary depending upon the individual.

In point of fact, most lying is relatively benign and is often essential for smooth personal interactions within a civilized (or whatever) society. The concept of a “persona”, the mask that people present to the rest of the world, illustrates this point nicely; depending upon the persons involved in a social interchange, each will put forth an according impression which they deem acceptable for the others to see. Although this sort of real-life role-playing is meant to provide a focus to select aspects of the person’s true character (that is to say, a persona represents a partial snapshot of one’s whole personality) that does not mean there isn’t a sort of deception that occurs here that is both deliberate and, oddly enough, expected. As the late Charles Bronson once said, “All the world’s a stage, and all its people players.” And yes, I realize that Mr. Bronson was not so eloquent as to be the source of this quote; that honor goes rightfully to the famous Elizabethan playwright we all know and love, Christopher Marlowe.

Broadly speaking, lies are all around us, so much so that Wikipedia has broken all lying down into roughly 19 categories. I won’t bore you with the real low-down nitty-gritty, as the kids say, but will direct your attention to a few distinct entries:

-Lying by omission is characterized not by the telling of an actual lie, but rather by the failure to divulge the truth. It is the easiest lie to tell because it is basically the same as being too lazy to say anything. For instance, I could tell you, “I went to the store yesterday,” but that would leave you with a different impression than if I added, “They were all out of baby-capacity blenders, so now I don’t know what to do with the orphans locked up in my basement.”

-Lies of necessity are often called for when the truth could result in injury to one or more persons. As an example, suppose that your friend Bob hypothetically indulged in some sort of marital indiscretion and his wife Alice showed up at your door asking where he is. In one hand she has a ball-peen hammer, and in the other a tiny guillotine suspiciously proportioned to accommodate a banana or banana-shaped object. Unless Bob owes you money or something like that, you would likely disavow any knowledge of this Bob person so that you don’t have the guilt of his imminent penectomy on your hands, regardless of whatever Bob had on his hands during his flights of infidelity.

-A “Big Lie” is apparently a term coined by Adolf Hitler (no foolin’) and refers to a lie so spectacular in proportions that listeners have to think to themselves, “Nobody could tell a lie that enormous with a straight face, so it must be true!” Of course, this varies depending upon the lie and the gullibility of the individual; otherwise, everybody would be freaking out about clandestine tribes of lizard-men trying to infiltrate the government and other wacky conspiracy theories that have been put forth over the years. On an unrelated true note, jet contrails are actually filled with chemicals that are sprayed on the public from high altitudes for secret government purposes.

Now, I am sure a significant percentage of you are wondering to yourselves, “So, lies are suddenly good now? I don’t remember voting on this issue last November.” Well, the answer is more of a shades-of-gray affair than anything else. Lies reflect the intent of the liar, and accordingly there are liars whose intentions are good or bad as well as lies whose outcomes are good or bad. Or both, or possibly neither. As is typical, the subtleties of morality with regards to lying are much too convoluted to discuss within a reasonable time frame. Instead, let’s skip ahead to the next point of discussion: politics.

Before I begin talking about politics, I suggest we get all the cynicism out of our systems right here and now. Please enjoy this excerpt from a rant about politics by celebrated humorist George Carlin:

“The table has tilted, folks. The game is rigged. And nobody seems to notice. Nobody seems to care. Good honest hard-working people – white collar, blue collar, it doesn’t matter what color shirt you have on. Good honest hard-working people continue – these are people of modest means – continue to elect these rich cocksuckers who don’t give a fuck about you. They don’t give a fuck about you. They don’t give a fuck about you. They don’t care about you at all. At all. At all. And nobody seems to notice. Nobody seems to care.”

Whew! I’m feeling loads better already! The truth of the matter is that politics is essentially a complex form of group decision making, which means that you inevitably end up dealing with people and their respective agendas. As mentioned previously, agendas are the primary cause of lying, since lying often gets you things you want. Politics is a clashing of various agendas and as such a lot of high-velocity bullshit is expected to come into play. Does this mean that the future of politics cannot rise above the quagmire of misinformation that stems from the inherent nature of humanity? I have no idea, but according to my calculations the ideal political system involves not wearing clothes and hunting wild boars on the steppes.

So there you have it. Lies are all around us, with the interpretation of whether that is a good or bad thing left as an exercise for the reader (protip: it’s complicated). Of course, I have neglected to mention one aspect of lying that happens to be positive: it is entertaining as all hell. I mean, think of all the sitcom plots that would have come to a screeching halt if the characters had been truthful with their intentions each episode. Just off the top of my head I can think of a handful of anecdotes involving backfired lies that are patently hilarious. Hell, one could make the argument that humor in a general sense is a sort of “lie of the senses”, or, as the French call it, “un petit dejeuner”. If that is the case, then let the record show that I am a prolific liar. At the very least, I can wear that badge with pride.