The Art of a Lie

Michael Seaholm
Undergraduate/Computer Science

Since this week’s article will be about lying, I figured that it would be best to delve right into the topic with very little introduction owing to space constraints. Of course, I could be lying about that just to be ironic, but it is equally possible that I played it straight knowing that you would think that I was lying about lying. Now that we have the Abbott and Costello bullshit out of the way, let us explore the art of a lie.

It may come as some surprise to you that everybody you have ever known has lied to you approximately 100% of the time. The reason for this is quite simple: we are human beings, and we each have our agendas. If your mother told you that the stork brought you into this world, it’s because she wanted to keep information regarding the salaciously taboo subject of sexual reproduction under wraps until you were old enough to handle the information maturely, at around age 43. If you tell your dentist that you’ve been flossing regularly, it’s because you don’t want to seem totally indifferent about your dental health, and probably also to avoid getting stabbed in the gums repeatedly (hint: it doesn’t work). And of course, if I make an outrageous statement like at the beginning of this paragraph, it is with the implicit understanding that you will laugh at it, thus becoming the helping hand in what is essentially celebratory literary masturbation – not that that’s a bad thing, I assure you. At any rate, whether good or bad, lies are told for an underlying reason which can vary depending upon the individual.

In point of fact, most lying is relatively benign and is often essential for smooth personal interactions within a civilized (or whatever) society. The concept of a “persona”, the mask that people present to the rest of the world, illustrates this point nicely; depending upon the persons involved in a social interchange, each will put forth an according impression which they deem acceptable for the others to see. Although this sort of real-life role-playing is meant to provide a focus to select aspects of the person’s true character (that is to say, a persona represents a partial snapshot of one’s whole personality) that does not mean there isn’t a sort of deception that occurs here that is both deliberate and, oddly enough, expected. As the late Charles Bronson once said, “All the world’s a stage, and all its people players.” And yes, I realize that Mr. Bronson was not so eloquent as to be the source of this quote; that honor goes rightfully to the famous Elizabethan playwright we all know and love, Christopher Marlowe.

Broadly speaking, lies are all around us, so much so that Wikipedia has broken all lying down into roughly 19 categories. I won’t bore you with the real low-down nitty-gritty, as the kids say, but will direct your attention to a few distinct entries:

-Lying by omission is characterized not by the telling of an actual lie, but rather by the failure to divulge the truth. It is the easiest lie to tell because it is basically the same as being too lazy to say anything. For instance, I could tell you, “I went to the store yesterday,” but that would leave you with a different impression than if I added, “They were all out of baby-capacity blenders, so now I don’t know what to do with the orphans locked up in my basement.”

-Lies of necessity are often called for when the truth could result in injury to one or more persons. As an example, suppose that your friend Bob hypothetically indulged in some sort of marital indiscretion and his wife Alice showed up at your door asking where he is. In one hand she has a ball-peen hammer, and in the other a tiny guillotine suspiciously proportioned to accommodate a banana or banana-shaped object. Unless Bob owes you money or something like that, you would likely disavow any knowledge of this Bob person so that you don’t have the guilt of his imminent penectomy on your hands, regardless of whatever Bob had on his hands during his flights of infidelity.

-A “Big Lie” is apparently a term coined by Adolf Hitler (no foolin’) and refers to a lie so spectacular in proportions that listeners have to think to themselves, “Nobody could tell a lie that enormous with a straight face, so it must be true!” Of course, this varies depending upon the lie and the gullibility of the individual; otherwise, everybody would be freaking out about clandestine tribes of lizard-men trying to infiltrate the government and other wacky conspiracy theories that have been put forth over the years. On an unrelated true note, jet contrails are actually filled with chemicals that are sprayed on the public from high altitudes for secret government purposes.

Now, I am sure a significant percentage of you are wondering to yourselves, “So, lies are suddenly good now? I don’t remember voting on this issue last November.” Well, the answer is more of a shades-of-gray affair than anything else. Lies reflect the intent of the liar, and accordingly there are liars whose intentions are good or bad as well as lies whose outcomes are good or bad. Or both, or possibly neither. As is typical, the subtleties of morality with regards to lying are much too convoluted to discuss within a reasonable time frame. Instead, let’s skip ahead to the next point of discussion: politics.

Before I begin talking about politics, I suggest we get all the cynicism out of our systems right here and now. Please enjoy this excerpt from a rant about politics by celebrated humorist George Carlin:

“The table has tilted, folks. The game is rigged. And nobody seems to notice. Nobody seems to care. Good honest hard-working people – white collar, blue collar, it doesn’t matter what color shirt you have on. Good honest hard-working people continue – these are people of modest means – continue to elect these rich cocksuckers who don’t give a fuck about you. They don’t give a fuck about you. They don’t give a fuck about you. They don’t care about you at all. At all. At all. And nobody seems to notice. Nobody seems to care.”

Whew! I’m feeling loads better already! The truth of the matter is that politics is essentially a complex form of group decision making, which means that you inevitably end up dealing with people and their respective agendas. As mentioned previously, agendas are the primary cause of lying, since lying often gets you things you want. Politics is a clashing of various agendas and as such a lot of high-velocity bullshit is expected to come into play. Does this mean that the future of politics cannot rise above the quagmire of misinformation that stems from the inherent nature of humanity? I have no idea, but according to my calculations the ideal political system involves not wearing clothes and hunting wild boars on the steppes.

So there you have it. Lies are all around us, with the interpretation of whether that is a good or bad thing left as an exercise for the reader (protip: it’s complicated). Of course, I have neglected to mention one aspect of lying that happens to be positive: it is entertaining as all hell. I mean, think of all the sitcom plots that would have come to a screeching halt if the characters had been truthful with their intentions each episode. Just off the top of my head I can think of a handful of anecdotes involving backfired lies that are patently hilarious. Hell, one could make the argument that humor in a general sense is a sort of “lie of the senses”, or, as the French call it, “un petit dejeuner”. If that is the case, then let the record show that I am a prolific liar. At the very least, I can wear that badge with pride.