Cosmic Fellatio: Relative Self-importance as Illustrated Through an Analogy Likely to Offend a Lot of People.

Evan Gillick

Undergraduate/Spanish

It is 8:30 a.m. and the church bells are ringing. People everywhere are gathering, congregating, readying themselves for the servility known as Sunday worship service. Grab the kinky shackles of dogma, it's time to suck off the Lord.

Worship is an activity engaged in by many people of many different religions. Even nonreligious people worship, if we choose to define worship as an extreme sense of reverence or adoration for someone or something. Worship takes the form of rituals, and so while I have extreme reverence for the Earth and life, I engage in no specific ritual to honor the Earth (unless you want to count recycling, etc.). However, I have extreme adoration for many of my favorite bands, and this adoration becomes a form of worship when I engage in the ritual of attending their concerts every single time they are in town. You could say I follow these groups religiously...

You could also say that I'm unhealthily obsessed with my favorite bands and that my worship is nothing short of cocksucking; that I place these groups so far above myself that what I give to them outweighs what I receive from them in return, or in other words, fellatio without reciprocation. This is a criticism I happily accept. Adam Darski, aka Nergal of Behemoth, has never done a damn thing for me. He's never done me a favor, smiled at me....well...he doesn't even know I exist, yet I hold this individual in very high regard as an artist for the hours of head-banging he has brought to the masses; if this makes me a cocksucker then I say to you this: At least I know the guy I'm blowing is real.

Sunday worship service arrives, and people file into their pews to sing His praises. Lyrics like those to “Amazing Grace” make it obvious the nature of their relationship: I'm a wretch, you are super holy-righteous-divine. These people are placing above themselves a being whom they have never seen nor heard, and for whose existence they have no proof (especially when confronted with thousands of contradictory religions and claims of divinity) but they believe it anyways because they have faith and don't need any silly empirical data to believe in stuff. They give and give and give to the church, but will probably not get anything back, because if we are to assume that magic can actually happen, then they are just as likely to go to the Nordic ice realm of Nifelheim as they are the Christian heaven. In other words these people are engaging in cosmic fellatio without reciprocation. Both oral sex and prayer are activities which people engage in on their knees. Coincidence? I think not.

I guess there is an inherent need in the human animal to feel like a part of something bigger and grander than oneself. This is why I like the idea that at an atomic level I am connected to everything there is, and perhaps also why I become so obsessed with many of my favorite musicians. Even though I don't gain much from putting these individuals on a pedestal and above myself, I guess it makes me feel bigger just to have participated in a concert, or listened to their albums. So, I understand why people worship, even though it can in some forms be self-deprecating. Everyone is engaging in some form of fellatio or another; sometimes auto-fellatio, sometimes just the tip, other times deep-throating, but we all do it. All I'm trying to say is, as long as you aren't hurting anyone by doing it, I don't care who or what you worship as long as you don't infringe on my right to make my own decisions about who or what to worship. However, if whatever you think I should worship can't be proven to exist, don't expect me to swallow that load.