FALL 2011 LIST OF THINGS NOT TO DO EVER

Lisa Brancaccio
Undergraduate/Organizational Communications

September 13, 2011

Dear Diary,

Since I can't really think of an appropriate way to expain the events of my summer, I've instead decided to present to you, readers new and old, words of wisdom from Lisa the Legend herself. Here is my FALL 2011 LIST OF THINGS NOT TO DO EVER:

Don't take your shirt off at the bars when the song "Take Your Shirt Off" comes on (especially if you're dancing on the whore box at the time). Don't dance on the whore box. Don't a-bar (after-bar, for you McFucks out there who don't know what's up) with shots of Gordon's and water chaser unless you're content with staying drunk until 4PM the next day and doing naked push-ups in front of strangers. Don't play truth-or-dare-spin-the-bottle unless you're prepared to strip, make out with everyone playing, give topless lapdances to strangers and have two or more sexual identity crises in one night. Don't bring water bottles full of vodka to the bars and convince your friends that you have a refreshing, sobering-up remedy for them to chug (they'll probably spit it in your face and push you down). Don't heckle champion hecklers. Don't travel in packs to parties you know no one at (this one is aimed at you, freshmen). Don't get a kitten if you're broke, irresponsible and intoxicated most days of the week. Don't forget about rummage sales because they are awesome and were designed for thrifty college students. Don't fall on the dance floor...you might not be able to get back up and you'll probably spill some of your drink. Don't disable the smoke detectors in your room and then stammer and avoid eye contact when your parents ask you why. Don't shop at the Dollar Tree unless you intend on leaving with countless amounts of entertaining children's toys. Don't forget about Marty Stouffer's Wild America: Wacky Babies (if you've never seen it, I'll loan it to you on VHS so you can witness its unmatchable amazingness). Don't take out your nipple piercings unless you enjoy disappointing former lovers. If you're a subleaser, don't be insane as balls (and try to be below the age of forty). Don't hook up with gingers. Don't hook up with bartenders. Don't hook up with devout Christians. Don't hook up with assholes. Don't be a slut. Don't trade your resources in Settlers of Catan (it pisses people off andI makes you look like a bitch). Don't use someone for drugs unless you can also get him to provide drugs for your friends. Don't use drugs, they're bad. Really bad. Don't forget to Tweet when you're drunk. And, finally, do not play shot roulette with Rumplemintz.

I hope everyone can learn a thing or two from this list. I know I certainly have...mostly because my friends and I apparently have to continue making new mistakes after we've learned from our old ones.

Welcome back to Eau Claire, everyone. And remember: dick or GTFO.