The Flip Side’s Extravagantly Exciting Summer
Welcome back, students, to another wonderful year of scholastic self-fortitude. The Flip Side remembers well its years of academic pursuit, and fondly recalls the practice of being called upon to report on its summer activities. No doubt you’ve had your own various adventures over the course of the seasonal hiatus, wonderful stories in which you flipped delicious patties of meat in the name of commerce or perhaps journeyed far and wide across the world in pursuit of self-knowledge, cultural wareness, and relaxed laws pertaining to the possession of absinthe. Paltry as it will seem in the wake of those rip-roaring good yarns, the Flip Side humbly offers its own recounting of events.
Upon completion of the spring semester, the Flip Side found itself in need of a restroom. It was while seeking out one of these lavatory wonderlands that the Flip Side soon found itself lost deep in a dark forest, where lived its archnemesis, an evil squirrel named Domico. Domico sent out his minions, wishing to capture the Flip Side for dastardly purposes. His army of cybernetic hedgehogs were no match for the wily Flip Side, but the scantly clad whip-cat demoness Helsinky proved to be quite formidable indeed (kitty gots claws). Trapped in a net made of Oklahoman nose hair (long renowned for its tensile nature), the Flip Side was subject to Domico’s black magic, and soon found itself in a deep sleep, in which it dreamt it was Carla from the popular ‘80s sitcom Cheers.
After many months, the Flip Side awoke from its magical slumber in a state of amnesia, and found itself traveling the world as a gypsy schoolmarm, whereupon it met a nice boy named Arthur, an eccentric entrepreneur who whittled celebrity caricatures out of turnips. He was a fine tap-dancer (an important quality in any suitor), and proved a gentle, passionate lover. The Flip Side soon found itself married to the handsome fellow. However, shortly after the birth of their third child, Tuscaloosa (named after their favorite vacation spot), the Flip Side suddenly remember one day that it was in fact not a schoolmarm at all and in actuality a staff of several people, of whom not all had uteruses. And thus began the Flip Side’s odyssey to regain its origins.
The Flip Side soon discovered the truth from a clairvoyant Fuller Brush salesman: Domico had made a clone of the Flip Side and had sent it to Washington as a lobbyist for Westboro Baptist Church-supported candidates. After a series of adventures containing eye-popping special effects, edge-of-your-seat suspense, and a gratuitous nude scene with Winona Ryder, the Flip Side eventually faced its clone in a final showdown atop the Sears Tower. After a harrowing and well-choreographed sword fight, the Flip Side managed to best its opponent with a dashing riposte, sending its enemy over the edge of the skyscraper. The Flip Side caught its doppelganger by the hand, offering salvation, but the clone chose to die rather than submit to its hated rival.
With all wrongs righted, the Flip Side hopped into a time machine that just so happened to be on top of the Sears Tower and travelled back to the past, which is now the present. The Flip Side still has to pee.