Ghosts ‘n Goblins: The Goddamn Reckoning

Michael Seaholm
Undergraduate/Computer Science

I know that this may come as a surprise to the Flip Side readership, but once upon a time I played video games. Owing to scheduling conflicts that may or may not actually exist, I have found little free time in which to sup at the banquet table of visual gaming, where the reckless abandonment of everything important in my life is invariably the main course. However, it may relieve you to know that I did manage to find some time to play one of the wiliest video games on the Nintendo Edutainment System: Ghosts ‘n Goblins. I had the distinct pleasure of experiencing this veritable kick to the balls on an actual NES owned by my friend Anonymous Dontpublishmyname, after we rehabbed the ailing console by cleaning all of its connector pins and taping a nickel to the inside of its casing. Accordingly, this week’s article will detail my descent into madness as we explore the masochistic world that is Ghosts ‘n Goblins.

Some of my more dedicated (read: crazed) readers may recall that I had previously beaten this game’s sequel, Super Ghouls ‘n Ghosts, during my freshman year and then wrote an article about the accomplishment. Despite similarities in spirit, both games are wholly separate cans of worms, as I will explain later on. When I first started up this fresh horror of a gaming experience, I was immediately hit over the head with a slam-bang excuse for a video game plot: Arthur, a knight of some sort, must save the princess from Satan. This of course sets the tone for the rest of the game, which involves the following obstacles:

-one small pit to jump over per level
-one million demons trying to kill you

Just as I had become an avatar for unspeakable Dark Gods after years of playing ridiculously hard games, I found my own avatar in Arthur. As he entered the graveyard clad in highly destructible armor, the pixelated ground underfoot was like a baptism, a loamy homecoming to the world of getting your ass kicked. I quickly learned that, mechanics-wise, this was no Super Ghouls ‘n Ghosts; you can’t do any double jumps and you can’t change direction mid-jump, giving Arthur the same general utility as a grapefruit. Luckily, given the overall lack of pits the jumping aspect is not so overly important as it was in Super. Of course, this concession gets its ass blown off when you consider that all the weapons suck (barring the exceptionally fast dagger) and you die in two hits. Compounding this difficulty is the fact that the fireball, which is about as helpful in fighting demons as throwing smoldering charcoal briquettes with your bare hands, is required at key points of the game to facilitate combat against some asshole dragon bosses. So yeah.

For the most part, the game is made difficult by the overabundance of shit that will kill you. Zombies, imps, burrito ghosts (named because they look uncannily like ghosts), and trolls are a constant hazard. Above all of these, however, is the Red Arremer, a winged demon who is easily twelve times more bullshit than anything else in the game. Unless you’re playing pixel-perfectly, the best odds you have against a Red Arremer is about 50/50 because it takes four hits to kill him and only two weapons can exist on-screen at a given time. Also, the Red Arremer’s swooping attack is patently undodgeable unless you have made a Faustian bargain with some sort of nightmare god beforehand. This is particularly trying during the cavern level, where you have to kill four Red Arremer in a row right before a fireball spawn point. If you get killed by the dragon after getting the necessary fireball then you’re stuck killing these Arremer fuckers with puny flames in what inevitably becomes a ham-fisted attempt at not dying.

While the levels are something of a crap-shoot when they are peppered with Red Arremer (as is often the case in later levels), there is at least the certainty that the end of each level features an obligatory boss fight. The game’s six bosses are as follows: Ogre, Double Ogre, Dragon, The Same Goddamn Dragon, Satan, and Double Satan. Owing to memory limitations, there is not a whole lot of variety on this front, but at the very least you tell the princess that you fought three Satans to save her, thus ensuring later procreation. Of course, having Satan be the final boss would have been too obvious, so level seven gives us Astaroth, a hairy giant whose crotch is a demonic face that shoots fireballs at you. In spite of the obvious psychological damage that the creators of this game wanted to inflict upon the player with this fiendish foe, Astaroth is not much of a threat since it turns out he is quite vulnerable to being shot in the face repeatedly.

Once the king is dead and faceless, the game reveals in poorly written English that the boss fight, like the fossil record, was a trap set by Satan and that you have to beat the game again. Not only is this a hilarious Nintendo-era “fuck you” that the whole family can enjoy, but it is also a cheap-ass way to extend the length of the game. With this in mind, I took it upon myself to beat this game into whimpering submission so as to temporarily quiet my periodic masochistic tendencies. For a good many days I would put in some time here and there, getting better at progressing through the game but without setting any realistic time frame in which to beat it. Finally, on a Friday night I thought to myself, “Instead of going out and about like a social being, I am going to beat this damn game!” I put on my game face and cracked by back loud enough to sexually arouse a chiropractor. I was ready.

I will not bore you with the gory details of my venture, other than that it was a three hour long fuckfest. I shuffled through a graveyard, spelunked, forested, and practically scaled a castle with my bare hands before I got to the final boss and special-weaponed the fuck out of his upper face. Then I did it all again to actually beat the game. My warrior’s rage was still with me for a few moments after the victory, but it subsided as the air filled with anticipation. Eventually, the ending screen appeared, stating, “CONGRATURATION THIS STORY IS HAPPY END. THANK YOU.” Then, instead of showing credits or anything like that, the game promptly ended. I wasn’t really that mad at the lack of a suitable ending because in beating Ghosts ‘n Goblins I had achieved enlightenment and was thus unmoved by such earthly matters. Overall, I was impressed by how difficult the game was, both in terms of bullshit and in terms of legitimate gameplay. As such, it is now on my list of recommended games for people to play, despite this list never having existed in the first place. If you enjoy putting the video gaming bar higher than any sane person would ever consider, then this game is sure to be your cup of beverage.