God Hates Brains

Divinely inspired by His word, and transcribed in His name by:

 Evan Gillick

Undergraduate/Undeclared

“Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.” (Proverbs 3: 5, the holy Babble). 

Don't listen to your common sense. Don't think. Don't use reason and logic. In fact, don't even ask questions. Just trust me, for I am the LORD, and what I say...well, it goes! Look, I know a lot of the things I tell you make absolutely no sense to your understanding whatsoever, but that's because My ways are so much higher than yours. You see, the human brain, and all you've accomplished, well that is pretty much nothing when compared to Me because I made everything, including you, you ungrateful heathen. How dare you question Me, you filthy sinner. You deserve to be boiled alive for eternity, but because I'm so loving and merciful I've decided out of my infinite love to write down and answer a list of frequently asked questions and their answers; which probably won't be comprehended by a worthless piece of shit like you. You can praise Me later.

Question 1. Why do I choose to have My holy texts ghost-written for Me, rather than write them Myself? Well, I am an infinite being, and carpal tunnel on an infinite scale would be quite a bitch. Plus, I think its hilarious all of the errors that appear when people have visions of Me. That whole talking donkey thing; oh my Me he was so high! I love chaos too, and to see all of the conflict created by conflicting religions, all in possession of a ghost-written book supposedly inspired by Me, well....I'm really quite tickled that so many people want to fight and die over Me, and in the end, that's what it is all about: flattery. I am, after all a petulant, wrathful God who needs people to ceaselessly praise Me to stroke My infinite ego...or else. Sure, if I had written the book Myself there would have been a lot less confusion, it would have been scientifically accurate, there would have been no bloodshed over it, and everyone would have received a copy at the same time, instead of the “new world” receiving it through the sword in the 16th century after I made Me in human form to sacrifice Myself to Me. Look, I know it makes no sense, and any rational person would be incapable of believing it, but My ways are higher than yours, you shouldn't question it.

Question 2. Do I answer prayers? No, actually I don't, I can't really be bothered to. Being the Most High, I figured that people would be gullible enough to misinterpret probability as divine intervention, and to simply ignore bad occurrences as “shit happens.” You see, when something goes right for someone, they thank me for it, even though I did nothing. It's kind of a good deal; get all of the praise, do none of the work.

Question 3. What is My stance on homosexuality, and women's rights? I made this one VERY clear in the book I ghost-wrote, homosexuals are to be killed. Look, I know that homosexuality is a nearly universal trait across the animal kingdom, and that all the data suggests that homosexuality is natural, nothing to fear, and nothing to be prejudiced against, but again, your data means nothing. Who are you to question what I had an unsophisticated, uneducated man write in My stead? And women, well, why do you think all my prophets were men, and that when I came to earth in human form, I was a man and not a woman? Women are inferior, I made them that way, and the sooner they realize it, the better. I'm appalled at the sexual liberation of women as well; I miss the good old days of marriage as I traditionally defined it: one man, many wives, and some concubines for good measure. Again, don't rely on your own understanding, just trust in Me---Sincerely, your loving God.

I once heard a pastor say that one of Satan's ways of creating discord in the world was to spread doubt. The pastor, of course, is invested in making you believe that doubting what he says is a bad thing, because he speaks for God.. And so, the Christian belief has successfully created a climate of anti-intellectualism that continues to this day. When Galileo had the audacity to suggest that perhaps the Earth went around the sun, and not the other way around, he was persecuted by the Church. The Church had already decided that the sun went around the Earth; their geocentric view having its basis in the unquestionable word of “God.” This same book has been used to justify slavery, genocide, witch-burning, misogyny, and to this very day, the persecution of homosexuals. This book has been used to prevent the instruction of safe-sex practices, thereby creating an enormous AIDS problem in Africa. This same book was used by Mother Teresa when she left her work with the poor to travel to Ireland and protest a law that would have enabled women in abusive relationships to divorce their abusive husbands; apparently not divorcing is more important than not being brutally beaten for the course of one's life. The use of the holy Babble to squash doubt, and impose—without any actual evidence—its concepts of morality and life upon everyone else is one of the greatest obstacles to human progress and peace on Earth. Doubt is considered bad, and faith a virtue, because the consequence of not believing everything you are told could be eternal punishment. Fear-mongering in the name of Jesus keeps doubt from being perceived as the virtue it really is. 
 
Before we go burning witches because some man in a dress and a funny hat told us it was a good idea, perhaps we should allow a moment of doubt and ask ourselves “why.” Before we call all homosexuals “sinners” and seek to take away their rights, perhaps we should ask ourselves “why.” If the answer is, “because God said so in the Babble,” perhaps we should ask ourselves “why.” Doubt is humble, doubt is wise, and doubt is the only thing that will keep you from being deceived. Asking questions is always a good thing, and someone who seeks to suppress questions probably has something to hide. Question everything, even question why we should question everything. If all you do is believe and do what you are told to by an authority, you are no better than a Nazi. While the “God” that the church purports to represent hates brains, perhaps it really is better for thee to lean unto thine own understanding, and you should ask yourself “why.”
  
“Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call to her tribunal every fact, every opinion. Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blindfolded fear.”--Thomas Jefferson