Guns Don't Kill People, Except For When They Do
A study on the effects of firearms on faces by Michael Seaholm
The 2nd amendment of the Constitution, known more colloquially as the right to bear arms, is one of this nation's most defended rights, second only to the right to own or purchase a child slave as long as it is within regulations. Much like Colin Farrell, guns can fill a variety of roles and can even be a source of entertainment, especially in the cinematic tour-de-force In Bruges. Firearms have proven their usefulness in a historical context as well; most wars nowadays feature guns as opposed to earlier ranged weapons, such as arrows, throwing sticks, and tire irons. To celebrate the awesome power of firearms, this week's article will be about guns and the many things that they do, from shooting people in the legs to shooting people in the face.
Firearms have paved a long and interesting path through history, a path strewn with discarded shells and what could only be accurately described as hectares of blood. China was able to invent the first guns thanks to the advent of black powder, although at that point these weapons, known then as fire lances, were basically metal tubes stuck to a bit of wood. The design has remained largely unchanged to this day, except now guns no longer explode in your hands with the same frequency. Since then, guns have factored heavily in world conflicts; I shouldn't have to remind you that George Washington used guns to single-handedly win the Revolutionary War while Thomas Jefferson and all the other Founding Fathers went out for “libations and scarlet women.” The rifles used during this time period were muzzle-loading flintlocks, which means that it took upwards of three hours to reload. As a result, combat before the Civil War consisted primarily of threats and yo momma jokes.
Revolvers and repeating rifles gained prominence during the mid-19th century, allowing for not only a viable mode of combat but also the first true gunfighters. Even today, society's collective mental image of the badass gunslinger is not complete without his trusty six-shooter. Such notable persons as Wyatt Earp, Buffalo Bill Hickok, and Clint Eastwood forged the West through their marksmanship, tenacity, and ability to squint glaringly into the sun for hours at a time. Progress, however, continued to advance like a barrel-chested thug on a rich elderly woman bedecked with jewels, and by World War I machine guns had become a major fixture of warfare. Today, guns have advanced to a point where they have roughly diverged into seven groups based on purpose: handguns, assault rifles, battery rifles, machine guns, submachine guns, super machine guns, and phallic symbols.
To impress upon you, the reader, the importance of guns both today and yesterday, allow me to lazily copy-and-paste a lengthy quote by expert badass and fellow Victorian Sir Samuel White Baker, in which he talks about his ridiculously overpowered 2-bore rifle:
Among other weapons, I had an extraordinary rifle that carried a half-pound percussion shell; this instrument of torture to the hunter was not sufficiently heavy for the weight of the projectile: it only weighted twenty pounds, thus with a charge of ten drachms of powder and a HALF-POUND shell, the recoil was so terrific, that I spun around like a weathercock in a hurricane. I really dreaded my own rifle, although I have been accustomed to heavy charges of powder and severe recoils for some years. None of my men could fire it, and it was looked upon as a species of awe, and it was named "Jenna-El-Mootfah" (Child of a Cannon) by the Arabs, which being a far too long of a name for practice, I christened it the "Baby", and the scream of this "Baby" loaded with a half-pound shell was always fatal. It was too severe, and I seldom fired it, but it is a curious fact that I never shot a fire with that rifle without bagging. The entire practice, during several years, was confined to about twenty shots. I was afraid to use it, but now and then as it was absolutely necessary, it was cleaned after months of staying loaded. On such occasions my men had the gratification of firing it, and the explosion was always accompanied by two men falling on their backs (one having propped up the shooter) and the "Baby" flying some yards behind them. This rifle was made by Holland & Holland, of Bond Street, and I could highly recommend it for the Goliath of Gath, but not for the men of A.D. 1866.1
This excerpt not only illustrates the unusually overwrought writing style of the time, but also Baker's apparent fear/affection for his veritable boom-stick, which he even took the liberty of naming. The psychosexual undertones inherent in these writings would be enough to make Freud ascend to godhood, but that's beside the point. The ability to reduce nearly any target into a fine powder with a simple twitch of the finger is a uniquely American ideal, even though the writer of this previous account was British. It is this freedom to destroy wantonly that must be staunchly defended, preferably with some sort of firearm so that the point is made doubly clear.
Now, even though the topics we have just covered are primarily centered around violence and warfare, don't get the wrong idea; counter to what the leftist liberal communist elitist New Age overlords would tell you, guns aren't just weapons. They can also be used as tools, like a hammer or a grenade launcher. For example, let's say that you are confronted with a troublesome situation, like someone talking too loud during a screening of Avatar. By firing your M249 SAW or other anti-personnel device into the air at random, you end up 1) getting Dr. Talky to shut his or her yap, and 2) preventing everybody from watching Avatar, effectively solving two problems at once. However, as America stands today, you cannot do this without being brought down by federal marshals, probably voiding your gun's warranty in the process. In order to stop this sort of injustice, I suggest that you all write to your congresspersons and urge them to draft a bill requiring all citizens to own at least three types of guns. Be sure to emphasize that you are not a crazy person somewhere in your correspondence, although as the NRA would tell you, it is not strictly necessary.
SOURCES:
1The Albert N'Yanza, Great Basin Of The Nile, 1866. By Sir Samuel White Baker. pp. 138