I Can’t Believe I’m About to Write 1,500 Words About a Guy Who Calls Himself “The Donald”: A Painfully Obvious Rant About A Car

Paydon Miller
Undergraduate/Political Science & Print Journalism

Didja hear? Donald Trump is running for President! Yes, that Donald Trump. The same Donald Trump who tried to trademark the phrase “You’re Fired” and has a hairdo that strikes existential dread into all who gaze directly into it.

Well, he’s not officially running. Yet. But the man has done just about everything except officially declare his candidacy. He’s visiting early primary states. He’s putting private polls in the field. He’s questioning the citizenship of the President.

Wait. Something is amiss here, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. Think, Paydon. Think1!

Yes, Donald Trump is what has been dubbed a “birther.”

I’m going to first try and explain what that means without injecting my editorial comments. A birther believes that President Barack Obama was not born in the United States despite the fact that its been verified by doctors, governors, birth certificates, parents, grandparents, and literally every medical official and familial relation he has.

Does that sound phenomenally stupid to you? That’s because it is. Obama was born in Hawaii to an African father and a Midwestern White mother. If anyone reading this believes Barack Obama was not born in the United States, stop reading. Just…just stop it.

I’m sure this rumor (which has been proved false dozens of times by dozens of different people) is nothing new to most the readers, so I won’t focus on that. What I want to focus on is that, until a recent action by Obama, this seemed to be the cornerstone of Trump’s campaign.

I don’t know what Trump thinks he’s proving by demanding to see Obama’s birth certificate (which, I might add, HAS FUCKING BEEN RELEASED ALREADY), but oh God does it make me smile. I hope he runs for President. I really, really do. Because if Trump runs as a Republican, he’s going to push every independent in the country to Obama because of the President’s markedly lower levels of detachment from reality. If he runs as an independent, he’ll peel off the Tea party vote, leaving less for the much less insane Republican candidate and Obama will win anyway.

Hooray for the Tea Party2,3!

Now, President Obama has released his long birth certificate. This basically means he released a document that expands on his original birth certificate just in an effort to shut birthers up. I heard about this while I was sitting in the break room at work. That moment, I turned to the guy sitting next to me and said “There’s no way this convinces birthers.” I have no way to prove this conversation happened, so you’re going to have to take my word on it.

And oh Lord, was I right. The FIRST thing that happened was Donald Trump declared a victory for his campaign…then demanded to see Obama’s school records.

Remember that book “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie?” This is like that book, except now its called “If You Give a Power-Hungry Real Estate Tycoon a Birth Certificate, Fuck That Guy.”

Orly Taitz, queen of the birthers (and possibly the Mole People), said something even more stupid than that. Taitz said that the long form birth certificate was false because Obama’s father’s race was listed as “African” and not “Negro.” Because apparently Obama was born in Mississippi in the 1920’s.

The fact is that anyone who is still a birther is not going to be convinced by anyone or anything. I’m just waiting for the first of these people to try and claim that “It’s really easy to fabricate documents in the two years since he’s been President!”

If I ever meet one of those hardcore birthers, I’m going to perform an experiment. I will “steal their nose,” much like you do to a four year old child, who then cries until you give them their nose back. In this case with the birther, I will be a nose thief. When this birther starts to cry, I will not give him (or her) their nose back. Ever. And they will forever more gnash their teeth at the mean man who stole their nose.

You know. Because they’re stupid.

Now, my friends know that I don’t throw around the “R” word a lot. I think it generally gets overused, and thus loses meaning after a while. The “R” word is saved for special occasions, and this is one of them. I feel entirely comfortable in saying that the remaining birther movement is based solely on veiled racism. After the release of this official government document, there is no real reason to be so steadfast in their insistence that our (Black) President (whose father was from Kenya) is not a legal American citizen.

Even FOX News (along with CNN, MSNBC, and basically every other halfway good news source) has uniformly and summarily had the same sentiment: “Stop it with this birther shit. Stop it now. This is silly. You’re being silly.”

I did like Obama’s speech when they released the certificate, however. If you want to see what a grown up talking to a bunch of children arguing over if one kid tagged another or not (but at a national level) watch that speech. Obama verbally pummeled the birthers and, by association, Trump, calling the ultra-right wing “carnival barkers” and saying bluntly “I have better things to do.”

Yeah…so that’s my venting about birthers. Forgive me that rant, reader. It’s important because I hate birthers and I’m writing this article. Back to Trump.

Trump has ideas for this country, loyal Flip Side consumer!

Trump recently gave his plan to keep gas prices low: He’s going to go in and tell Saudi Arabia to stop it. I’m not making that up. Read the link I’m about to footnote…4

He’s going to tell Saudi Arabia that high gas prices are bullshit. Oil crisis solved!

My point is that Donald Trump doesn’t have the first damn clue about how to run a country. The man has declared bankruptcy four times for crying out loud5. Four. Like…four more than zero. I don’t know if he’s doing this for fun or if he really thinks he’s going to become President one day.

The thing is, I don’t think he has a full grasp what a President…you know…does. A President can’t go around and get world leaders in headlocks and give them noogies until they agree to lower gas prices. And unfortunately, arm wrestling competitions are not a viable form of diplomacy, though that would make NAFTA meetings a lot more interesting. Honestly, I think Donald Trump thinks being the President will let him be like Yosemite Sam, firing a gun indiscriminately at any thing that stands in his way.

In my free time, I like to picture Donald alone in one of his many mansions, perhaps freshly showered with his luxurious mane up in a towel, watching himself in the mirror as he plays out his presidential fantasies.

[SCENE]
President Harley Trump, secret agent, enters the G8 summit where a bunch of suspicious looking foreign-type people are all talking a bunch of nonsense about steel tariffs or some shit.

Trump saunters slowly in, spurs softly clinking against the floor with each step. Somewhere in the background, a ragtime musician stops plinking on his piano to watch the exchange.

An Arab man stands up. Trump and the man lock eyes. Trump removes a toothpick from the corner of his mouth.

Trump: I heard me a rumor that you’re thinking ‘bout raising them gas prices on the U.S. of A.

Arab man: That’s right.

Trump: Well it looks like we got ourselves a problem here. You see, the people just picked me to Presidentize them, so now your problems are my problems.

A second and third man stand up.

Arab Man 2: I think you better get out of here, old timer. We’re Saudi Arabia, and we do whatever we damn well please around these parts.

Trump’s fingers creep towards his six shooters at his hip.

Trump: Well, I’m sorry to have to tell you this, Mr. Arab, but that ain’t the answer I was looking for.

Trump takes a bottle of whiskey off the bar and takes two big gulps, wiping his mouth with his sleeve.

Trump: Prepare to die.

Trump pulls his guns, shooting all three Arab men and everyone else he suspects of being unaware of the fact that These Colors Do Not Run. After the smoke clears, Trump slowly walks over to the first Arab man, now bleeding on the floor, and grabs him by the collar.

Trump: Them gas prices gonna be lowered, ya hear?

Arab Man 1: [With his dying breath] Who…who are you?

Trump stands up, then dramatically removes his sunglasses like David Caruso from CSI: Miami.

Trump: I’m the Donald.

Cue the opening scream from “We Don’t Get Fooled Again” by the Who.

1. For a more realistic reading experience, feel free to pause for two or three minutes as I ponder this question. This is a free service I provide to you, the reader. I’m a professional.

2. Not to toot my own horn, but I totally predicted something like this would happen. While I said it would happen in 2010, the idea is the same. I still claim success.

Observe: http://flipsidepress.org/content/teabaggers-protesting-teabaggers%3A-why-tea-party-will-hurt-gop-elections-2010

3. Also, no. No hooray for the Tea Party. Shame on them. Shame on them for so many, many things.

4.http://www.cnsnews.com/news/article/trump-obama-100-precent-wrong-oil

5.http://blogs.forbes.com/clareoconnor/2011/04/29/fourth-times-a-charm-how-donald-trump-made-bankruptcy-work-for-him/