This Just In: The Chippewa River Is Rather Scummy
This Just In: The Chippewa River Is Rather Scummy
Sarah Schrupp
Undergraduate/Undeclared
The following report is a parody. You can pick on me for a lot of things: poor diction choices, terrible grammar, lack of an interesting plot. But one thing I'm doing right is making this parody outlandish. Let me have this one, Eau Claire
If you've ever floated, canoed, submarined, or rafted down Eau Claire’s Chippewa River, you've noticed it- -scum that hits you and fills your makeshift floatie device. You can't go around it, you can't go over it, you just have to go through it. Well, last week, a group of angry Wisconsinites had enough of it-- so they started a protest.
About 200 local mothers formed a protest group called WANG, or Women Against Nasty [River] Gunk. The members of WANG painted angry messages on signs, fences, buildings, and their babies foreheads---messages like "Winner winner chicken dinner, you better quickly clean our river,” and other extremely controversial half-rhymes.
After a few days of protests, an Eau Claire official finally came up with the perfect solution to get rid of the nuisances: make the people believe the river is too dangerous to swim in. "That way, everyone wins!" says the official. "No one has to wade the river gunk, and officials don't have to hire a cleanup crew!"
The same Eau Claire official addressed the issue on August 9 on Channel 10-- the UW-Eau Claire Channel. For those of you who missed it, here's a recap.
"Please. Members of WANG, stop the protest. It's useless anyway. The Chippewa River is much too dangerous for Eau Clarians to be around anymore. Piranhas have infested the river, along with er. . . electric eels! The paths around the river have turned into quicksand. Old, Holden Caulfieldesque men are walking around the area, telling anyone who will listen how meaningless life is. The trees around the area have taken on qualities not unlike the trees from the Wizard of Oz. The trees are, in fact, throwing apples at pedestrians. These are dangerous times, my fellow citizens. This is why we must ban together now, stop complaining about the river gunk, and just um. . .avoid the Chippewa River. Thank you."
The next day, I swung by the Chippewa River to ask Wisconsinites if they took the official’s advice to heart. I ran into a caring father of five who told me "I won't let my kids within 200 feet of that heckhole." A former member of WANG said their group has been dismembered. After sneaking in a laugh over the irony that the WANG had been dismembered, I asked what's next for her, to which she replied, "Well there's still the whole ‘trying to legalize marijuana.’ Or maybe I'll just. . .yeah I'm just going to get a massage."
I think we all learned a lesson from this one. When government officials warn you against something, pay no attention. Ever see a “beware of bears” sign when hiking? The government really just wants you to turn around so you won’t see the secret government run puppy punching facilities. And when they tell you to never leave your baggage alone in the airport? That’s bullshit. I left my luggage alone for three hours in search of a Cinnabon’s, and when I came back, I found out someone put in a cheetah-print (limited edition) Snuggie, Season 2 of Xena: Warrior Princess, and two packs of Big Red. If you don’t believe me, try it sometime. I don’t know who did it, but I do know that the government must have found out about this luggage fairy, and wants to keep all the Snuggies to themselves.
Side note: If you see any babies with angry, half-rhyme messages scrawled across their foreheads in permanent marker, please return them to the former members of WANG. They seem to have misplaced their kin.
Sarah Schrupp
Undergraduate/Undeclared
The following report is a parody. You can pick on me for a lot of things: poor diction choices, terrible grammar, lack of an interesting plot. But one thing I'm doing right is making this parody outlandish. Let me have this one, Eau Claire
If you've ever floated, canoed, submarined, or rafted down Eau Claire’s Chippewa River, you've noticed it- -scum that hits you and fills your makeshift floatie device. You can't go around it, you can't go over it, you just have to go through it. Well, last week, a group of angry Wisconsinites had enough of it-- so they started a protest.
About 200 local mothers formed a protest group called WANG, or Women Against Nasty [River] Gunk. The members of WANG painted angry messages on signs, fences, buildings, and their babies foreheads---messages like "Winner winner chicken dinner, you better quickly clean our river,” and other extremely controversial half-rhymes.
After a few days of protests, an Eau Claire official finally came up with the perfect solution to get rid of the nuisances: make the people believe the river is too dangerous to swim in. "That way, everyone wins!" says the official. "No one has to wade the river gunk, and officials don't have to hire a cleanup crew!"
The same Eau Claire official addressed the issue on August 9 on Channel 10-- the UW-Eau Claire Channel. For those of you who missed it, here's a recap.
"Please. Members of WANG, stop the protest. It's useless anyway. The Chippewa River is much too dangerous for Eau Clarians to be around anymore. Piranhas have infested the river, along with er. . . electric eels! The paths around the river have turned into quicksand. Old, Holden Caulfieldesque men are walking around the area, telling anyone who will listen how meaningless life is. The trees around the area have taken on qualities not unlike the trees from the Wizard of Oz. The trees are, in fact, throwing apples at pedestrians. These are dangerous times, my fellow citizens. This is why we must ban together now, stop complaining about the river gunk, and just um. . .avoid the Chippewa River. Thank you."
The next day, I swung by the Chippewa River to ask Wisconsinites if they took the official’s advice to heart. I ran into a caring father of five who told me "I won't let my kids within 200 feet of that heckhole." A former member of WANG said their group has been dismembered. After sneaking in a laugh over the irony that the WANG had been dismembered, I asked what's next for her, to which she replied, "Well there's still the whole ‘trying to legalize marijuana.’ Or maybe I'll just. . .yeah I'm just going to get a massage."
I think we all learned a lesson from this one. When government officials warn you against something, pay no attention. Ever see a “beware of bears” sign when hiking? The government really just wants you to turn around so you won’t see the secret government run puppy punching facilities. And when they tell you to never leave your baggage alone in the airport? That’s bullshit. I left my luggage alone for three hours in search of a Cinnabon’s, and when I came back, I found out someone put in a cheetah-print (limited edition) Snuggie, Season 2 of Xena: Warrior Princess, and two packs of Big Red. If you don’t believe me, try it sometime. I don’t know who did it, but I do know that the government must have found out about this luggage fairy, and wants to keep all the Snuggies to themselves.
Side note: If you see any babies with angry, half-rhyme messages scrawled across their foreheads in permanent marker, please return them to the former members of WANG. They seem to have misplaced their kin.