More like… Super FOOLS ‘n Ghosts!
Harsh criticism for a horrendously difficult/fun video game
The other day, my good friends from across the hall, Jadie and Steve, were playing with the good ol’ Xbox in their dorm room. Although normally this is not an extraordinary event, the Xbox in question has been modified so that it can play Super Nintendo games. As a result, the entire television was emitting magic at a rapid rate. Intrigued, I stepped in and saw that Steve was playing Super Ghouls ‘n Ghosts. Little did I know, this seemingly innocuous action would lead me down a path of self-destruction as I attempted to beat the game over the next several days. It wasn’t a drown-your-sorrows-in-alcohol type of self-destruction, but it was pretty close. And now, you can enjoy it all from the safety of your homes by reading this article!
Super Ghouls ‘n Ghosts, or SG’nG as it is commonly abbreviated, is an adventure game in which the armored protagonist, Arthur, must rescue Princess Prin-Prin from the demon Loki. Resolving this mind-blowing plot twist involves trekking across geologically-diverse areas (a graveyard, water, volcanoes, etc.) and trying not to die. This is a huge problem mainly because 1. Arthur moves at the speed of a diseased turnip, and 2. he can’t change directions while jumping, although he can do a double jump that invariably gets him killed. This means that the training I did with Super Mario World from ages 5 to 18 meant nothing as I attempted to jump over gaps with the skill of a drunken paraplegic. Trying to steer Arthur through the second half of the first stage, which involves jumping over pits and onto unnecessarily narrow platforms, is like trying to stop a falling airplane through the power of song: of course you’ll try, but the result is ultimately certain peril.
Luckily, the quest to save the princess does not consist entirely of gap-jumping; only about 73 percent of the game involves this hit-or-miss maneuver. There are zombies, demons, werewolves, Simon Cowell, and other undead creatures to contend with. In order to dispatch these foes, the player may choose from a number of different weapons hidden in pots and treasure chests throughout the game. The default weapon is the lance, and other weapons include the bow, the axe, the dagger, the fleur-de-lis, the cuisinart, and the strumpet. Of these, I find that the dagger is the most useful because if you can hit the attack button quickly enough Arthur throws daggers about as fast as a machine gun shoots bullets. Also, players can retrieve hidden armor that makes their weapons more powerful or gives them a magical attack. In the dagger’s case, this is a sweet energy dragon that jumps around the screen like a hyperactive child at a sugar convention, except slightly more homicidal.
So, the player is not entirely powerless against the forces of evil. In fact, the forces of evil aren’t all they’re cracked up to be; as I traipsed through the various demonic landscapes, I fought against a giant bird, a three-headed dragon, a death worm, and various other boss creatures that were extremely easy in comparison to the levels. Luckily, the programmers had the foresight to put in a freakishly difficult enemy into the later levels to make up for this discrepancy. Anyone who has played SG’nG and gotten to at least the third level knows that I am referring to the red demon, also known as Firebrand. It makes sense that, in a game based on devils and the undead, some of the programming code would become infused with demonic energy. This accounts for the unusual intelligence and bastardliness of the red demon, which swoops around and dodges your attacks with disheartening ease. Firebrand is so powerful that his name can be placed at the end of a paragraph and be considered an adequate transition to the next paragraph. For example: FIREBRAND.
Anyway, if you manage to get past the levels, the bosses, and the unholy series of assembly language statements that make up Firebrand, you will end up at the penultimate boss, who is some sort of magic ogre that shoots lasers from his forehead. Also, instead of a normal crotch, the boss has a jack-o-lantern face that shoots fire directly at Arthur. This is easily one of the strangest things I’ve seen in a video game, but I digress. After beating this boss and his more powerful green counterpart, the game is beaten… except that you cannot fight the final boss without first retrieving Princess Prin-Prin’s magic bracelet, which shoots magic fireballs that the last boss is susceptible to. The game immediately boots you back to the first level at an increased level of difficulty with the promise that you will really beat the game once you get the bracelet and fight the real last boss. This is a Super Nintendo-style “fuck you” that is regrettably no longer common in today’s video games.
Last Wednesday was my third attempt at officially beating Super Ghouls ‘n Ghosts. Accordingly, my roommate Kent and Jadie and Steve gathered around to watch and, more importantly, to remark upon my amazing propensity to die. The reason I had not beaten the game earlier was because the princess’s bracelet sucks as a weapon against the next to last boss, and that night it again proved to be difficult. I spent numerous lives trying to destroy him, but his magical crotch fire coupled with his head lasers proved too much to overcome. I had two lives left and no credits with which to continue. The situation was indeed bleak. However, by some miracle that has never been nor will ever be equaled, I managed to destroy him. The room filled with unbelieving jubilation as I walked forward to face the final boss, clad in golden armor and unwavering confidence. The last boss shot lasers in a circular pattern that was easy to dodge, but he could take a bracelet to the face like no other. Then, after a few minutes of severe pummeling, he exploded, thus freeing the princess and destroying every demon ever.
The room exploded with a fierce cacophony seldom heard outside of football stadiums. I high-fived everyone in triumph, accidentally smacking the tip of Jadie’s index finger against his bed. Although it was clear that fundamental nerve damage had been done, he didn’t care. We watched as the end sequence occurred, noting that they only showed four out of the hundreds of monsters that appeared throughout the game and five bosses, three of which being the end bosses. Also, the credits showed a bunch of names that were obviously fictitious, including Hyper Mickey, Ryutaro’s Mama, and, of course, Professor F. We postulated that the programmers put in an unfinished ending sequence to meet a deadline and forgot to put a real one in, thinking perhaps that no one would actually get around to beating the game twice. Well, I’d like to take this opportunity to say something to all those readers out there who happened to be on the development team for Super Ghouls ‘n Ghosts when this oversight occurred: we know your secret. Also, for creating this game: suck it.
The other day, my good friends from across the hall, Jadie and Steve, were playing with the good ol’ Xbox in their dorm room. Although normally this is not an extraordinary event, the Xbox in question has been modified so that it can play Super Nintendo games. As a result, the entire television was emitting magic at a rapid rate. Intrigued, I stepped in and saw that Steve was playing Super Ghouls ‘n Ghosts. Little did I know, this seemingly innocuous action would lead me down a path of self-destruction as I attempted to beat the game over the next several days. It wasn’t a drown-your-sorrows-in-alcohol type of self-destruction, but it was pretty close. And now, you can enjoy it all from the safety of your homes by reading this article!
Super Ghouls ‘n Ghosts, or SG’nG as it is commonly abbreviated, is an adventure game in which the armored protagonist, Arthur, must rescue Princess Prin-Prin from the demon Loki. Resolving this mind-blowing plot twist involves trekking across geologically-diverse areas (a graveyard, water, volcanoes, etc.) and trying not to die. This is a huge problem mainly because 1. Arthur moves at the speed of a diseased turnip, and 2. he can’t change directions while jumping, although he can do a double jump that invariably gets him killed. This means that the training I did with Super Mario World from ages 5 to 18 meant nothing as I attempted to jump over gaps with the skill of a drunken paraplegic. Trying to steer Arthur through the second half of the first stage, which involves jumping over pits and onto unnecessarily narrow platforms, is like trying to stop a falling airplane through the power of song: of course you’ll try, but the result is ultimately certain peril.
Luckily, the quest to save the princess does not consist entirely of gap-jumping; only about 73 percent of the game involves this hit-or-miss maneuver. There are zombies, demons, werewolves, Simon Cowell, and other undead creatures to contend with. In order to dispatch these foes, the player may choose from a number of different weapons hidden in pots and treasure chests throughout the game. The default weapon is the lance, and other weapons include the bow, the axe, the dagger, the fleur-de-lis, the cuisinart, and the strumpet. Of these, I find that the dagger is the most useful because if you can hit the attack button quickly enough Arthur throws daggers about as fast as a machine gun shoots bullets. Also, players can retrieve hidden armor that makes their weapons more powerful or gives them a magical attack. In the dagger’s case, this is a sweet energy dragon that jumps around the screen like a hyperactive child at a sugar convention, except slightly more homicidal.
So, the player is not entirely powerless against the forces of evil. In fact, the forces of evil aren’t all they’re cracked up to be; as I traipsed through the various demonic landscapes, I fought against a giant bird, a three-headed dragon, a death worm, and various other boss creatures that were extremely easy in comparison to the levels. Luckily, the programmers had the foresight to put in a freakishly difficult enemy into the later levels to make up for this discrepancy. Anyone who has played SG’nG and gotten to at least the third level knows that I am referring to the red demon, also known as Firebrand. It makes sense that, in a game based on devils and the undead, some of the programming code would become infused with demonic energy. This accounts for the unusual intelligence and bastardliness of the red demon, which swoops around and dodges your attacks with disheartening ease. Firebrand is so powerful that his name can be placed at the end of a paragraph and be considered an adequate transition to the next paragraph. For example: FIREBRAND.
Anyway, if you manage to get past the levels, the bosses, and the unholy series of assembly language statements that make up Firebrand, you will end up at the penultimate boss, who is some sort of magic ogre that shoots lasers from his forehead. Also, instead of a normal crotch, the boss has a jack-o-lantern face that shoots fire directly at Arthur. This is easily one of the strangest things I’ve seen in a video game, but I digress. After beating this boss and his more powerful green counterpart, the game is beaten… except that you cannot fight the final boss without first retrieving Princess Prin-Prin’s magic bracelet, which shoots magic fireballs that the last boss is susceptible to. The game immediately boots you back to the first level at an increased level of difficulty with the promise that you will really beat the game once you get the bracelet and fight the real last boss. This is a Super Nintendo-style “fuck you” that is regrettably no longer common in today’s video games.
Last Wednesday was my third attempt at officially beating Super Ghouls ‘n Ghosts. Accordingly, my roommate Kent and Jadie and Steve gathered around to watch and, more importantly, to remark upon my amazing propensity to die. The reason I had not beaten the game earlier was because the princess’s bracelet sucks as a weapon against the next to last boss, and that night it again proved to be difficult. I spent numerous lives trying to destroy him, but his magical crotch fire coupled with his head lasers proved too much to overcome. I had two lives left and no credits with which to continue. The situation was indeed bleak. However, by some miracle that has never been nor will ever be equaled, I managed to destroy him. The room filled with unbelieving jubilation as I walked forward to face the final boss, clad in golden armor and unwavering confidence. The last boss shot lasers in a circular pattern that was easy to dodge, but he could take a bracelet to the face like no other. Then, after a few minutes of severe pummeling, he exploded, thus freeing the princess and destroying every demon ever.
The room exploded with a fierce cacophony seldom heard outside of football stadiums. I high-fived everyone in triumph, accidentally smacking the tip of Jadie’s index finger against his bed. Although it was clear that fundamental nerve damage had been done, he didn’t care. We watched as the end sequence occurred, noting that they only showed four out of the hundreds of monsters that appeared throughout the game and five bosses, three of which being the end bosses. Also, the credits showed a bunch of names that were obviously fictitious, including Hyper Mickey, Ryutaro’s Mama, and, of course, Professor F. We postulated that the programmers put in an unfinished ending sequence to meet a deadline and forgot to put a real one in, thinking perhaps that no one would actually get around to beating the game twice. Well, I’d like to take this opportunity to say something to all those readers out there who happened to be on the development team for Super Ghouls ‘n Ghosts when this oversight occurred: we know your secret. Also, for creating this game: suck it.