Saving Your Soul

Paydon Miller

High Priest

This past year, I have written about a ton shit that no one cares about. I have compared the artistic integrity of bands with names like Prostitute Disfigurement and Torsofuck. I have bitched about an election in which barely 10 percent of students voted. I told boring stories about racist rednecks I came in contact with.

I want to leave you with something you can hold onto. I want you to go into summer vacation knowing there may be a better way to lead your life.

The way is to follow one man.

Before I found Him, I was a bitter, angry man. I blamed my own faults on others, I lashed out at those I loved and I felt a great dissatisfaction with my life as a whole.

That’s when I discovered the teachings of one great man. He spoke of peace, of fulfilling one’s self both spiritually and physically. He spoke of eternal life.

I am speaking, of course, of Nelly.

Since I have accepted Nelly’s teachings into my life, I have found myself to have reached a level of serenity I have never known before.

I’d like to leave you this summer with some of my favorite scriptures from the book of Nelly.

The Book of Nelly; the Gospel According to Kyjuan

"The Betrayal of Slo’Down"

CHAPTER 3

1 And the Patron did fall from the sky of the Temple, splashing upon the bosom of the hoes, and there was much rejoicing. 2 There was much merrymaking until Slo’Down approached the Lord, and collapsed at His feet. 3 "My lord!" wept Slo’Down. "I have heard rumors from heathens that thine wrists do not sparkle! They question thine flows and claim their jewels dost glimmer like that of the Gods!"

4 Nelly, peace and glory be upon him, motioned for Slo’Down to stand before him. The Lord spake, saying "Tell me, my friend. Do you believe these heathen’s tales? Has your Lord lead you astray? Have I not the illest jewels in all of St. 6 The Flip Side

Louis?"

5 "Yes, my lord!" cried Slo’Down, pulling himself to his feet. "They speak of battle! They speak of taking your throne as Lord and dissing thine mother whilst doing so!"

6 Nelly looked upon Slo’Down. "Do you doubt my skills, my friend?" asked the Lord.

7 Slo’Down paused for a moment, considering his now smudged Fubu robe, before screaming "Forgive me, Lord! I am but a weak man! I fear for my family!"

8 "You fear for yourself, Slo’Down," Nelly, peace and glory be upon him, replied. "Be gone from my sight and never return. I have no room in my whip for disbelievers."

9 After Slo’Down was banished from the temple, He did turn to his disciples. "Let all who question mine skills step forward," He said.

10 None stepped forward. "But Lord," said City Spud. "Shall you battle thine enemies?"

11 "I shall not," the Lord did reply.

12 "But why, Lord?" City Spud cried. "Are you not the best this great land has ever seen? Do you not horde power over all things, living and not, with thine beats and flow?"

13 Nelly turned to City Spud and said, "I am number one." He offered a tablet to City Spud. "No matter if you like, just take it, my friend. Sit down and write it. I am number one."

14 The rejoicing was great, and Nelly’s enemies were smited with the fury fit for only the wackest in all of the Souf.

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The Book of Nelly; The Gospel According to Murphy Lee

"The One Hundred Year’s Drought"

CHAPTER 7

1 After Nelly, peace and glory be upon Him, and the St. Lunatics banished Ludacris and his roving horde of inferior rappers from the Holy Land of the Souf, a wrathful Nelly began a great drought. 2 This drought did dry up all the Crystal in the Holy Land, and Nelly’s people began to yearn for drink. 3 They called for Nelly’s sympathy and begged Him to bring rain to the Holy Land, but their pleas were not heeded.

4 "Nay," Nelly said to His people. "Nay, many of you were swayed by the words of the false prophets, and for that you will suffer."

5 Nelly allowed this drought to continue for one hundred years. 6 During this time, those loyal to Nelly continued to pray to Him, offering Him sacrifices of Air Force Ones and XXXXL white T-Shirts. 7 This pleased the Lord, and He found good favor in a man named Kyjuan. 8 Kyjuan followed Nelly devoutly, even during the time of pestilence, plague and drought. 9 Nelly appeared before Kyjuan at noon of the day that marked one hundred years of drought.

10 "Lord!" cried Kyjuan. "I knew all along You would not forsake us!" 11 Kyjuan prostrated himself at the Lord’s feet, polishing his holy Adidas.

12 "Rise, Kyjuan," the Lord said. "For I will bestow upon you a message to bring to the remaining devout. It is how to battle these droughts, and how to find favor in the Lord."

13 "Tell me, O’ Lord!" was Kyjuan’s reply. "Tell me and I shall bring the message to your people!"

14 And then Nelly spoke: "It’s getting hot in here, Kyjuan," the Lord said. "So taketh off all thine clothes."

15 The words stunned Kyjuan. "I am getting so hot," he said to Nelly. "So I’m going to take my clothes off!"

16 Kyjuan returned to his people and preached the words Nelly had given him. 17 The festivities were great, with Apple Bottom Jeans and various South Pole apparel falling from the sky like the rain Nelly soon blessed his followers with.

_

So I hope these words have opened your eyes to a new way of life, just like they did to me. Accept Nelly, the illest of all messiahs, into your heart this summer, and I’m sure you will find the inner tranquility that can only come with knowing that someone is always watching out for you.

Everyone have a safe summer, and may Nelly shine in your heart.