Slop Stop Stealer

Briana Bryant
Undergraduate/Creative Writing

You know when you hear those ridiculous stories about some burglar who broke into someone’s house and stole an item of minor consequence from the residence, rather than lifting the brand-new television or collection of gold earrings? Well, apparently there’s an even lamer version that applies to bicycle-related thefts.

Alright, let’s back up a bit. I currently have a bike that is always parked on campus, locked of course. I had a product attached above the rear tire that was supposed to stop mud and other messy liquids that frequent streets and sidewalks from accumulating on the rider. I believe the brand name was something silly like “Slop Stop.”

A few days ago, I walked to the tunnel under the library on the UWEC campus, where my bike was parked. I needed to transport it up the hill because I would need it later. Once I unlocked my bike and pulled it out of its parking spot, I tried sitting on the seat (which was pleasantly dry, due to being in a tunnel, I might add). Strangely, the seat was down all the way, which was obvious right away. I took a look at the bike and didn’t immediately notice anything amiss. But alas! My precious Slop Stop had disappeared! Apparently, someone just really needed a Slop Stop for their bike, noticed mine had one, and decided to take advantage. Now, a smart bicycle stealer would do one of two things: 1) take the entire bicycle, or 2) at least take the seat. But this bicycle stealer was clearly a novice of sorts. It is also interesting to note that the seat of my bicycle must be removed in order to remove the Slop Stop. So the bicycle stealer had the seat in his hands while removing the Slop Stop, yet he left the seat behind. Now, if I remember correctly, the Slop Stop was found by my father at Goodwill or a similar institution for about two dollars, whereas the seat was of pretty good quality, with a considerable amount of padding. But apparently that Slop Stop was just the most tempting thing the bicycle stealer had seen in weeks, perhaps years. So basically, this bicycle stealer is like the burglar that goes into the millionaire’s mansion and emerges with a butter knife.

I must admit, I’m just a bit confused, bicycle stealer. I mean, if you wanted someone to do your laundry so bad, you could have just asked. There was no need to steal my Slop Stop. I would have gladly assisted you in removing mud stains from your pants, but I suppose you weren’t interested. You thought it would be a better choice to take advantage of my resources.

Now, the best part about this whole situation is that the joke is on you, bicycle stealer. The Slop Stop may appear to be a wonderful invention, offering the user protection from all types of substances that may be on the streets. I’ll admit, I was impressed at first as well. However, when I first had the chance to ride my bike after a heavy rain, with the Slop Stop attached, I realized the truth. The Slop Stop is pretty much worthless. It did not stop the slop. I was excited to test it out, see if it could really stand up to filthy streets. It turns out it can’t. When I got back from that bike ride, my pants were full of mud, and even the back of my backpack was stained brown.

Honestly, the only time I have had more mud on my clothes after a bike ride was on a vacation in Mackinac Island. On the island, cars are not allowed, so bikes and horse carriages are the dominant modes of transportation. This naturally leads to a large amount of horse poop all over the streets. The day following a huge rain storm, I went biking and ended up with an obscene amount of horse doo doo all over my back and pants. But that time, I didn’t have the lovely Slop Stop to protect me, I suppose.

So the best of luck to you, bicycle stealer. Enjoy your defective, useless, silly-looking Slop Stop. If I see a Slop Stop on a bike on campus, I will know it is mine, since the frequency of the product is pretty low. I mean, you’re probably not in any kind of physical danger…probably. But you are definitely in social danger. Know this: If I see and identify you with my Slop Stop, I will mock you. Incessantly. So basically, you have nothing to worry about, unless of course you value your reputation as either a bicyclist or thief.

Signed,
The rightful owner of the Slop Stop