Sweetparty
When I was 10 I thought Slayer was the most offensive band I had ever encountered. This was mainly because my parents thought the same. But I knew there was more out there. In retrospect, Slayer isn’t even that bad. They just have a misconceived reputation of being Satan worshippers. Weak. Over the years I’ve come across more and more abrasive bands. Now, at 23, I have seen things in terms of music that I’d never even imagined at 10. Some of the stuff I’ve come across makes Marilyn Manson look like Abba. I was listening to some of my nasty music the other day and decided that I can’t keep this all to myself. I’ve got to share it with the world (and by world I mean the three of you that read the Flipside). What follows is a list of some of the most offensive albums I’ve come across to date. By no means do I encourage anything suggested by these bands, but suggest you should merely enjoy it for its hilarity. The bands (most of them) think it’s funny, you should too. Don’t be such a fucking tightass. Also, none of the following bands is actually racist, misogynist, or worships Satan.
Anal Cunt – “40 More Reasons To Hate Us”
This is possibly one of the most awesome bands to ever exist. Just look at the fucking name. Anal Cunt. The music is intentionally terrible by design, basically shitty grindcore. They originally started as a sideproject. Incoherent guitar, incoherent drums, incoherent vocals. The vocals especially sound like a rat with a sparkler in its ass halfway down a blender. Every once in a while they cover a song. But their version of doing a cover is mocking it and then calling the band gay. What these guys are really known for are their insanely offensive song titles. Oh, and just about every song is under 50 seconds long.
Here’s a few of the top song titles off this album:
“You Look Divorced”
“Phyllis Is An Old Annoying Cunt”
“Everyone In Anal Cunt Is Dumb”
“Van Full Of Retards”
“I Noticed That You’re Gay”
“Mike Mahan Has Gingivitis”
“Dead, Gay, and Dropped”
“Kill Women”
And the always classic, “Theme From Three’s Company.”
There’s 31 more songs on the album. Many of them being more offensive than the ones I’ve listed. Go buy it and play it at your sister’s first communion, then cannonball into the baptismal fount.
Anal Cunt – “Picnic Of Love”
I’m not joking. They released an album called “Picnic of Love.” All the songs are acoustic love songs with vocals that sound like a stoned 13 year-old. I guess this album isn’t so much offensive as it is hilarious.
Check out some of the tracks:
“I Respect Your Feelings As A Woman And A Human Being”
“Saving Ourselves For Marriage”
“I Couldn’t Afford To Buy You A Present (So I Wrote You This Song)”
“In My Heart There’s A Star Named After You”
Gay.
Ed Gein – “It’s A Shame A Family Can Be Torn Apart By Something As Simple As Wild Dogs”
These guys are actually talented. Good production, good songwriting. Total mathcore. Maybe a little grindcore. If you like The Locust or anything in that vein you’ll like these guys. Plus they’re named after the only person from Wisconsin to gain world fame. Who cares if he “killed” people and used their “skins” to make “lampshades.” If he’s a “serial killer” then I’m an “alcoholic.” Obviously, I’m not an alcoholic and this band is giving Ed Gein the respect he always deserved. Despite the song titles they take themselves more seriously than Anal Cunt.
Some song titles:
“Nice Shoes…Wanna Fuck”
“I Wish You The Best…”
“…And By The Best I Mean The Worst”
“You Suck At Life…And I’m Not Talking About The Board Game”
Deicide – every album
If you are religious in any way, please, keep reading, and feel free to write me hateful letters. Because I’ll just reply with lyrics from Deicide songs and your silly little head will explode. Deicide is one of those bands that everyone loves. How can you not like a band in which the lead singer burned an upside down cross in his forehead with a coathanger? I like to pretend he used a coathanger because he uses it to do back alley abortions for beer money. Shit, maybe he does. That’s just good stuff. Reputedly one of the best death metal acts ever, Deicide rips your face off, pisses on it, fucks your mom with it, she starts to give birth to a baby with your face for an ass, and then Deicide aborts it. Really, I’ve seen it happen. These guys actually played here in Eau Claire at the House of Rock last Helloween. I was there. Fucking epic.
Some track titles:
“Behead The Prophet (No Lord Shall Live)”
“Kill The Christian”
“Confessional Rape”
“Blame It On God”
“Bible Basher”
“Christ Don’t Care”
“Fuck Your God”
“Death To Jesus”
My favorite Deicide lines are from Bible Basher: “Ram your religion so far up your ass/Till it becomes just a thing of the past” and “Stab your religion and leave it for dead/Crush your insides with a touch of Satan/You will succumb as did Adam and Eve/Bible basher, I destroy your belief.” Okay, so remember at the beginning of this article when I said none of these were Satan worshippers? Well, these guys might be borderline. What with the upside down crosses burned in their faceheads.
Exhumed – “Platters of Splatter”
Classic goregrind/goremetal right here. The music is good and the words are ridiculous. These guys are actually pretty good, seeing as last I heard they were on Relapse records. Actually, these guys are pretty enjoyable on an aesthetic level. Well, if you’re into this type of shit that is.
Some track titles:
“The Exquisite Flavor Of Gastro Intestinal Tripe” (I don’t even know what the fuck that one means.)
“Excreting Innards” (I think I can figure out what that one means.)
“Vagitarian”
“Bone Fucker”
“Bleeding Heap Of Menstrual Carnage”
“Lacerated and Molested Necro Vagina”
Wow. These guys sure love the vajayjay. Apparently they love it even more when it’s all dead and shit. The song titles are so much funnier when you’re actually listening to the music, and reading the lyrics for that matter.
If anyone has made it this far on the page, congrats my friend. You have a great sense of humor. And you’re probably a little touched in the head. If any of the bands or albums I have mentioned piqued your interest, they’re all available (shameless plug) at Crimes Against Humanity Records. It’s on the corner of Farwell and Main, same building as the goddamn dentist and the fucking music lessons place. If you can’t find it, find me. This may very well be my last Flipside column of the year. In the words of Anal Cunt, “I Hope You Get Deported.”