U.S. Military Recruits Jack Sparrow and Other Fictional Characters to Combat Terrorism

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Zach Schultz

 

Undergraduate/ English Education Major

 

General David Petraeus revealed in a press conference on Monday that the military had formulated a plan to include fictional characters from film, literature, and other entertainment mediums in the U.S. assault in Iraq and Afghanistan.

"While our servicemen and women have performed admirably, it's clearly time to take another path in this war. More people need to be killed, and the best way to do that is to hire killers..." he said as he trailed off and looked down the blouse of amply-endowed reporter Jacqueline Richardson. Several minutes passed before an aide slapped him on the face and poured water on his head.

"Er... Oh," Petraeus continued, "Yes, so we've recruited fictional characters to help kill us some foreigners."


Petraeus said that he could not reveal the entire list of characters who will be used in the wars, but he did say that, "We are currently utilizing Captain Jack Sparrow, XXX, Edward Cullen, Cinderella, Colonel Sebastian Moran, WWW (Wicked Witch of the West), those magic dudes from Hero, Don Corleone, Rat, Mole, and Mr. Toad from The Wind in the Willows, those guys from CSI, Goldilocks, Dracula, Shadow from American Gods, Mickey Mouse, the Marquise de Merteuil, Jason Bourne, the Native American tribe from Dancing with Wolves, Voldemort, and The Dude a.k.a. Small Lebowski, among others."

 

The military is very hopeful of success, Petraeus said, and has already utilized their new recruits. On Friday, soldiers, including Captain Jack Sparrow, retook the home town of Afghani Taliban chief Hakimullah Mehsud.

"It's time to take this fight to the big leagues. With these new troops, more people will die, and that's what we want. Hell, we might even be able to get us some treasure unofficially collected by unofficial privateers. God, I miss the days of diplomatic international stealing."

 



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