UW-Eau Claire is the New Oxford

Sarah Schrupp/Undeclared

 It’s that time of year again. Future prospective UWEC students from all over the world…well Minnesota and Wisconsin, are coming to Eau Claire for campus tours. (In fact, as I sit in the library typing this, a group of angsty, skinny-jeaned teenagers are being led through the library to check out our excellent research sources and multitude of leather bound books.) But little do they know, Eau Claire administrators have a whole new bag of tricks this year.

John Bandeck, President of Advertising and Sales for UWEC, has this to say about the upcoming tours. “We are trying whole new tactics…a new game plan. We brainstormed new ideas for, like, 20 minutes, and now the time has finally come to execute them. By the time we’re through with these people, they’re going to think UWEC is the best school in the world…maybe even the universe. We want to seem better than fricken Oxford…”

Fricken Oxford indeed. The plans being executed may very well be more extreme than anything even Harvard or Yale has attempted. Case in point: Eau Claire has hired secret agents to pull aside current UWEC students that rate under a seven on the hotness scale.

“These icky students can come back out once they learn to keep their eyes on the ground, and remember to stop talking to people-- especially prospective students,” says a  head secret agent, currently keeping 1,800 students, most of them threes or fours on the hotness scale, in the basement of Hibbard.

“I mean, it’s understandable that we’re being held here,” says one female student being kept in Hibbard. “I know I learned my lesson: When I was younger, I should have spent more time learning to put makeup and a bra on instead of reading history books, studying for the ACT, and leading a project for clean drinking water in Ghana. What was I thinking?” Being terrible at determining whether or not people are being sarcastic, I moved on.

 Now, instead of trying to explain to the prospective students WHY our campus is missing one fourth of our students, Eau Claire has instead hired over 2,000 “prop students” or Abercrombie models to walk around campus, and pretend to go to class. The models will be receiving hefty Christmas bonuses if they flirt with prospective students. Males can also receive extra bonuses if they walk around with nothing on but a backpack and boxer briefs.

UWEC officials are also bringing in a plethora of different foods to put in our “exquisite” and “worldly” cafeteria for prospective students to eat (not unlike the food put in for Parents Weekend). Foods such as giant Uncle Buck style pancakes, steak, seafood, and White Castle burgers will be available among many other foods, all being cooked by the Iron Chef. And as prospective students walk into the caf, they will be greeted by smiling, waving, ethnically diverse students sitting at the tables.

This setup was addressed by the President of the Prospective Student Project, on Sunday, November 8, on Channel 10. For those of you who missed it, here’s a recap: “From now on, in the caf on lower campus, each table must contain one blonde haired person, two brown haired people (preferably one guy and one girl,) two Asians, three Minnesotans, one person of another race, and one ginger for good measure. This recipe will ensure that we appear to be a diverse and accepting campus.”

Prospective students are encouraged to sit with these groups of diverse students and listen to the many exciting facts about UWEC. One fact Eau Claire officials are required to tell every student is the following: “I would say one of my fondest memories is when Eau Claire first started providing a means of transportation up the hill. We used to have to walk up that 6,700 ft high Kilimanjaro equivalent. But now, we have a ski lift going all the way up the hill. Can you believe it will even drop you off right in front of your dorm? Thank golly for that.”

Since, of course, this is a blatant lie, tour guides’ number one rule is to keep kids on lower campus, AWAY from the hill.

So please, join in the efforts of recruiting more students for next year. If you are under a seven on the hotness scale, and agents have not taken you away, please remove yourself from sight while tours are being conducted. If you see any prospective students reading this article, punch or karate chop this publication out of their hands. And for gosh sake’s…DO NOT, under any circumstances, let any prospective students anywhere near the hill.
 

 With your help, we can make next year the most crowded and overpopulated this school has ever seen! Now, who’s with me?



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